Space Invasion

Today my mom came in the house with a few baby items she had gotten from friends for the baby. She brought them into the house and stored them downstairs. This was just a few items from all that I am supposed to receive for when I give birth. As she was carrying the items into the house I began to feel this space invasion feeling. I had a thought or a picture of when and how I will be using these items, of the baby coming into the family physically and how different things may be when the baby finally "arrives". Up until now I have been on a pretty set schedule of taking care of myself and having "my space" around and "my time" to do whatever. Of course "my time" also involves "James time" as well and how we move each other everyday. It's like the two of us moving together and now there will be a third being that we have to consider within that time frame and it will no longer be just James and Anna. When this series of thoughts arose within me I experienced this feeling of space invasion and it felt constricting, unpleasant in a way.
I realize I will have to adjust myself and how I move myself daily according to the baby's needs as it grows and it feels kind of scary because it is unknown (sort of), it is new to me, something that I have not gone through before and I have no idea of.
It shouldn't be that scary. I mean I do have support from family. I am not walking this "alone" and just like any new "experience"/movement it will be strange at first, but breath remains. I can walk this breath by breath. I can "settle" this, move myself and adjust myself to what is necessary.

I can do this, no need to fear. I am am grateful for talking to Sunette and walking with her from the perspective of assistance and solutions.I am grateful for my mom and James mom taking care of the baby items I will require to use and for the help I will be receiving with handling a baby. I am grateful for James being here with me and walking with me. And I am grateful for my three cats as they too are walking with me here. And I am grateful for having three "homes" I can go to any time for support.

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Mind Reflection Through Dreams!

Mind Reflection Through Dreams! 

I recently had a what I would call "unpleasant dream". I won't go into the details of it (I wrote them out for myself in my dream folder) but to summarize it-James was leaving me for another woman. The whole dream involved me, James and the other woman. The emotions experienced in the dream were that of betrayal and anger.
After breaking down the dream for myself I saw an important point. I am aware that dreams reflect me ALWAYS and it is not per say about the people that appear in my dream. There are many different reasons why certain people would appear in my dream and that those reasons are drawn from my mind and what "makes sense" to me as my mind so that I can assist myself. It's in a way the mind communicating with me, reflecting my process and showing me what I am accepting and allowing to exists as. To further break it down for myself I realized that the people appearing in my dreams are a representation point of myself as my mind that are triggered by fears, thoughts and points I have accumulated on subconscious level, internalized and have not been dealt with properly. That of course is for the dreams that hold a "meaning", not for the dreams that are caused by my mind reflecting on a movie I've just seen, for example.
Back to  the dream I had. If the people in my dream are a simple representation of myself as my mind, then I had to look at the emotions, reactions and thoughts that were going on with James and the other woman, as well as myself:
Myself= represents anger, sadness
James= represents "me" telling me I am useless, slacking off, and what I have become by allowing that which angers me to be internalized.
Other woman: represents me as a self expression, openness, willingness.
In the dream "she" was mean to me but I realize it was not in the context of resentment but in the context of "taking myself back".

To further more break it down  for myself I came up with a list of questions I can ask myself for any dream I have that "holds" a meaning.
1. What people in my dream represent as different parts of myself as my mind?
2. What was the main message in the dream that my mind was addressing from the subconscious level to the conscious level for me to see?
3. What is the problem that I am facing that triggers the dream to address it to my attention?
4. How to work on the addressed points/message as self assistance?
5. How am i going to direct myself based on the addressed message?

Answers regarding the current dream:
1. I already mentioned what the different people represent as mind.
2. I have allowed myself to be cold, closed, irritable and explosive with the people around me.
3. The specific problem is the relations and how I am with the people around me, not speaking, internalizing and exploding (that is geared specifically towards my grandma). With others I am not taking self direction, I am quiet, I let shit slide through. The big issue that contributes to the other two are me being indecisive, having to rely on others to make decisions for me (specifically my mom and James). The indecisive issue goes on a way deeper level, it was something I had built for myself since I was a girl.
At a chat discussion point with Sunette we walked Self Forgiveness together on this point:

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive myself for allowing and accepting passiveness and submissiveness as a starting point towards others to avoid conflicts.

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive myself for allowing and accepting fear of conflict as a starting point because I see conflicts as two people not being able to talk, not being able to reason and reaching a dead end.

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to "chose" to be like my father because in his passsiveness I saw "goodness" and a point of spirituality to the point where I would at one point call my father My Mentor.

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting msyelf to avoid being like my mother who always took innitiative to decision making, becuasw possibly being the decison maker took a responsibility at which I can fail and be jugded by others.

Sunette Spies: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define submission as an action of passiveness that is a 'standing back and making way of/as others' to in fact justiofy my own fear of/as conflict.


Sunette Spies: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go so far as to spiritualize submission to hide the fear of conflict within and as me

Sunette Spies: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define submission as the action of passivity as 'being a good person.

Sunette Spies: I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand the extent of compromise I accepted and allowed in accepting and allowing myself to submit to others, reality and my mind because of accepted and allowed fear of conflict that I acted-into submission and hid with passivity and painted with spirituality.

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting  msyelf to rather keep quiet and let someone else handle my decision making (mother, father, James, others) because I have allowed myself to be submissive and not take the responsibiltiy (as in always being taken care of).


Sunette Spies: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define submission as 'giving others the opportunity to live/be who they are' - when in fact, what i'm stating is - "I don't want to be who I am, but rather hide and not be seen" and so accept/allow myself to submit me and my living and in that acceptance and allowance; accepted and allowed  others to dominate/have power over/of me.

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive msyelf for accepting and allowing msyelf to have  allowed my mom (after a certain age where I shoudl be able to take care of msyelf) to "fight" my battles.

Antoaneta Martinova: lol I can see how having a child will put me a possition for decision making..

Sunette Spies: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe responsibility is being responsible for others only, and in that defiiction/idea - I decided to rather hide and isolate myself in myself, my living and my world through/as submission to not have to be responsible for others or asked to be responsible for others = yet, now I face this exact point within me and my world as a child that is coming that is the very living-definition of/as responsibility and being responsible for another, but this time I have an opportunity to equalize and redefine responsibility as: walking with another as myself to be equal-to and one with me to be able to live and enjoy actual real living with me in equality and oneness = in this, responsibility is not a burden or a separation - but a way of life/living.

Antoaneta Martinova: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to fear making decisions and place myself in submissiveness.

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What is best for all? Is what is best for me, best for you?

What is best for all? Is what is best for me, best for you?

When looking at this question, there are a few parts to it to construct the answer. First, we can look at what is best for all at a large scale. Second we have to look at a small scale.

At a large scale we are talking about essential needs that we all need to be able to live comfortably in the physical Earth. Those essentials are very basic needs such as food, clean water, shelter and clothing; a basic human right (animal and plant kingdom if we don’t count clothing, because they obviously do not require clothing).

If we take it one level further, to be efficient and proficient individuals within contributing to ourselves as a group of people (society) we all require proper education (that teaches life skills and academic skills), health care (because our human bodies get sick and require “proper maintenance”), equal technology distribution/access (we live in a digital age). Once our needs and requirements are to live on Earth are met, we can create the “right” environment-opportunities for us to express ourselves within the area we chose to expand in (what we can call “career”, “hobby”).  Having said this, what is best for all are necessities that support all of us within our existence in the physical. However, what is best for all is NOT just about us as living beings. It is also about Earth as a whole. Thus, the products we create as a whole must support the physical as a whole (ourselves, plants, animals, insects, every living thing that currently shares this living space-Earth!).

On a small scale of what is best for all we need to explore practicality and fairness.  Equality is not about we all having the “same” things, the design of items or the same amount of things per say. It is about fairness which means that if a person does not require an item, or a type of clothing or a type of food there is no need why this person should have it equally to everyone who does require it. That is decided upon living area, space, environment and so on. Use your common sense. Equality is about practicality. If an item is not practical to a certain living area, it only makes sense that this item is not provided there and that obviously a different item would be required instead. This way production and consumption is equally distributed across by needs and practicality. That is fairness. At the end all needs are met equally for everyone!

Best for all is simply supporting each other one an equal at a practical and fair level. Thus, what is best for me as a whole IS what is best for YOU as a whole. 





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Will there be a White House in EMS?

Will there be a White House in EMS?

To answer this question first we have to look at if the White House has been effective within the current money system.  The structure of the White House put plainly is a few people, who claim to answer the needs of people, holding a huge part of the money, presenting that they can fix the problems of the world by creating more. We have different parties, standing for different “values” and competing over who is in charge for 4 years; passing and removing laws back and forth according to what they value (money) within society. Thus, the answer to our question is “NO” because the White House works and supports the current money system to exist as it does.

However the question should rather be “Will there be a NEED for a White House to exist with EMS?” Obviously there has to be some system in place for order and decision making for things to be effective.  This system will have to be a common agreement point that supports “what is best for all”.  Thus, no different parties will exists, rather a stable and effective principle; the principle that places the support and value of life as the starting point for decision and order making.  

For a new beginning it only makes sense that everything “old” which has not been of “what is best for all” function be deleted unless it can be transformed of a “what is best for all” function.  Since EMS is based on what is best for all we cannot count on a “White House” that is lead by a few number of people on a grand scale to answer what is best for all the States. The idea of government and decision making has never really answered to the actual needs of the people. It makes more sense that what is best for all be seen at a local level and dealt with according the needs of the local community.  Let’s look at some of the benefits of a local decision making.

-People are held accountable directly for their actions.

-People can vote locally regarding the necessary issues to be addressed and decided upon.

-People are a direct voice to decision making, meaning suggestions and ideas will come from the people and be voted on.

-People in the local community take the responsibility for their action leaving no room for corruption to develop.

-Many local communities living within the principle of “what is best for all” will make up the whole world, each community being responsible and accountable (like cells in the body).

The main concept here is that The People are the voice, which had been intended with the formation of the White House, however the “White House” has been a failure of a try because “what is best for all” has never been the real intention to begin with.





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Negativity towards boys...

On Thursday I went for my second ultra sound. I was switching providers so I got to do the ultra sound at 18 weeks rather than 20 weeks.
I came inside the room, laid down and let the woman put the gel on my tummy. She began to press and roll the machine thingy. I saw the baby just chilling in there. The woman began to explain to me where the head, heart, lungs, legs, arms, kidneys and so on is. It was really cool getting a sneak peak at the baby's anatomy.
She named everything except the gender of the baby. I was waiting for her to say something and since she wasn't I thought she could not see it. She said the face was looking the other way, the baby did not want to turn around. She poked my tummy to make it move but all we got was a side view with a yawn and then it turned back the same way. Finally my mom said "when can we know the gender?" The woman said she can tells us right now if we want to know. I told her to tell me. "It's a boy." she says.
At first I had no reactions to hearing the gender. Reactions began when I walked out of the office to wait for another check up. I experienced myself with a slight disappointment. Until this moment I told myself that the gender didn't matter and of course in common sense it should't matter. But as soon as I was told it will be a boy I began having negative reactions. I had internally obviously wanted a girl. As the day progressed I experienced many mixed emotions. I looked at deeper at why I felt that having a boy would be so negative:
1. I had a name picked out for a girl already-Alisa, and girls names sound better than boys.
2. I had always pictured myself having a girl.
3. I have always connected better with girls especially when I did the after school program where I observed the boys/girls behavior and I always enjoyed the girls company better.
4. I always had to yell at boys more for behavior issues.
5. I always enjoyed girls activities better.
6. I have always been able to buy things for girls better (because I am a girl).
7. Girls have more options for clothes and accessories, fun, cute stuff.
8. Boys have boring things, boring clothes.
9. I cannot have a girls "day out" with a boy.
10. It will be harder to build a mother boy bond sharing and open communication.
11. Boys express a a lot of aggressive emotions.
12. This family (mine and James) does not need more boys....too many boys, not enough girls/women.
What this shows me is that I have some gender issues to resolve within me as well as some gender ideas that I have acquired from my observation of the two genders as a separation point. But I think this goes even deeper, from the perspective of women/men in the world and power related issues.

After all those thoughts kept popping up I backed away from them and focused on the life inside my tummy and I experienced this shameful point like how can I wish this baby was a girl when it has chosen to be a boy for reasons and support I will be seeing in my future. How can I wish it was something other than what it is...internally rejecting it. I thought of my cats for a moment and pictured people rejecting pets because of various reasons or expectations they do not meet. I began to cry and apologized to the baby. The mind fuck up obviously has got nothing to do with this being in my tummy, it has to do with my pre-expectations, fears and pictures of ideas about gender. Then I remembered one time I said to it (before I found out if was a boy) "you better be a girl!" and then the part of the baby not wanting to turn around and face me felt like it was hiding from me, like it knew it would not make me "happy"...the scenario played out and I started to cry again. Lots of emotional experiences that day.
So this issue obviously requires self forgiveness.

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What is Process?

Process is about taking steps forward and working on "drafts"=bettering self  step by step.
In my writing class we wrote a creative biography on a person. I wrote mine on my mom. What was interesting is that we wrote the biography in "process" of several drafts before submitting the final draft. Each week we had writer's workshop in class where we explored the different ways of writing this type of biography. Each of our drafts began like a typical biography with facts about the person and events that took place within a specific accomplishment. Then we were told that we had to add dialogue, metaphors, similes, spice it up so instead of telling what was happening we had to show what was happening. We had to bring out the "picture" to life through our words. Each draft was "better" than the last one. I enjoyed this process of writing.
A couple of days ago I was driving in my car and the word "draft" came up together with the word "process". I looked at myself within those words and saw that I have always expected immediate results for myself. I would sit down and draw and be eager to finish the drawing that same day or hour. I would write a poem and expect to finish it within the same day or hour. When writing a poem I used literal words that sound boring, just like my first draft of TELLING rather than SHOWING. That is why I was never satisfied with what I wrote, what I drew, what I created. My starting point was that of impatience, always in a hurry to complete a project rather than take my time and explore the project, explore myself as the project. When in a hurry one misses the essentials of what is being done, how it is being done and why. I realize that I stay on one stop rather then move forward with the idea that I am moving forward because I jump from place to place which puts me all over the place. I notice this with the task I assign myself to do as well. I would have 5 different tasks for example (laundry, homework, dishes, walk outside...) and I freeze not knowing where to start. I start one and jump to the next one and the next one, never finishing the previous one and at the end of the day I have 5 different tasks done half ass.
So this is a point to work on for sure.
Process is many drafts written step by step :)

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Exposing Mind on Social Networks

In my online class which is about technology in the classroom, this week we had something interesting for our discussion post. Part of the question we had to answer was about how we can "protect" ourselves as valued educators from what we post on social networks such as Facebook.

We were given an article to read, here is the link:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/27/AR2008042702213.html 


In there it was discussed that teachers have certain "professional" morals at work but when they are outside the work environment they go wild...LoL So it makes one think who this person really is and what they stand for within their words as professionals and as outside the work environment. This is a perfect example of showing how people take on different personalities in their worlds. It was interesting to read how those teachers exposed their bullshit (or what they really thought of their job) when they were, lets just say, UNprofessional. 
There was a case of this situation that happened at my work where the girl was given a warning and to erase her description she had posted for her "work" section.
Perhaps we can thank the internet for supporting the exposing of the MIND Bullshit.
Now here is the augmentative point one would say:
My personal life is not my professional life. They are two SEPARATE lives and it is non of "their" business who I am outside of  work. This right here is another example of taking on different personalities and how we separate ourselves within the mind into different layers of dimensions. Separation, separation, separation!     


Who are people really? And how many masks do we have in order to protect ourselves? 

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