Negativity towards boys...

On Thursday I went for my second ultra sound. I was switching providers so I got to do the ultra sound at 18 weeks rather than 20 weeks.
I came inside the room, laid down and let the woman put the gel on my tummy. She began to press and roll the machine thingy. I saw the baby just chilling in there. The woman began to explain to me where the head, heart, lungs, legs, arms, kidneys and so on is. It was really cool getting a sneak peak at the baby's anatomy.
She named everything except the gender of the baby. I was waiting for her to say something and since she wasn't I thought she could not see it. She said the face was looking the other way, the baby did not want to turn around. She poked my tummy to make it move but all we got was a side view with a yawn and then it turned back the same way. Finally my mom said "when can we know the gender?" The woman said she can tells us right now if we want to know. I told her to tell me. "It's a boy." she says.
At first I had no reactions to hearing the gender. Reactions began when I walked out of the office to wait for another check up. I experienced myself with a slight disappointment. Until this moment I told myself that the gender didn't matter and of course in common sense it should't matter. But as soon as I was told it will be a boy I began having negative reactions. I had internally obviously wanted a girl. As the day progressed I experienced many mixed emotions. I looked at deeper at why I felt that having a boy would be so negative:
1. I had a name picked out for a girl already-Alisa, and girls names sound better than boys.
2. I had always pictured myself having a girl.
3. I have always connected better with girls especially when I did the after school program where I observed the boys/girls behavior and I always enjoyed the girls company better.
4. I always had to yell at boys more for behavior issues.
5. I always enjoyed girls activities better.
6. I have always been able to buy things for girls better (because I am a girl).
7. Girls have more options for clothes and accessories, fun, cute stuff.
8. Boys have boring things, boring clothes.
9. I cannot have a girls "day out" with a boy.
10. It will be harder to build a mother boy bond sharing and open communication.
11. Boys express a a lot of aggressive emotions.
12. This family (mine and James) does not need more boys....too many boys, not enough girls/women.
What this shows me is that I have some gender issues to resolve within me as well as some gender ideas that I have acquired from my observation of the two genders as a separation point. But I think this goes even deeper, from the perspective of women/men in the world and power related issues.

After all those thoughts kept popping up I backed away from them and focused on the life inside my tummy and I experienced this shameful point like how can I wish this baby was a girl when it has chosen to be a boy for reasons and support I will be seeing in my future. How can I wish it was something other than what it is...internally rejecting it. I thought of my cats for a moment and pictured people rejecting pets because of various reasons or expectations they do not meet. I began to cry and apologized to the baby. The mind fuck up obviously has got nothing to do with this being in my tummy, it has to do with my pre-expectations, fears and pictures of ideas about gender. Then I remembered one time I said to it (before I found out if was a boy) "you better be a girl!" and then the part of the baby not wanting to turn around and face me felt like it was hiding from me, like it knew it would not make me "happy"...the scenario played out and I started to cry again. Lots of emotional experiences that day.
So this issue obviously requires self forgiveness.

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