Rude Experience at my Observations

This semester I am taking Infant/Toddler and Kindergarten Curriculum. Part of the grade is to observe 10 hours in Infant/Toddler and 15 hours at Kindergarten. I have been observing each semester for one class I take and I have never come up against a rude person like this center director before.

I will not go into details to what the circumstances are regarding her behavior but this director simply speaks with attitude towards the students that come to observe in her daycare center. It turns out I was not the only one who had issues with her, but I am partly responsible for her sending an email to our teacher and the dean of the university claiming that we, the students have been unprofessional in her center. 

We were cut off from observing for a week until we discussed the issues with our teacher today. Apparently the center director sent out the email and in result got our teacher in trouble. After discussing the issues that arose from the perspective of the center director (that made us unprofessional in her eyes) it was concluded that there was a huge mis-communication and certain expectations that the director thought we should follow but never mentioned to us on the first place. Apart from the mis-communication, however I still would say she was simply rude and there was no need for her to behave the way she did. So as far as being unprofessional I would say she needs to look at herself and how the whole situation reflected herself. 

However this post is about my reflection and not hers. I was upset at her rudeness towards me and did end up giving her attitude back (which is probably what caused the follow up email to our teacher and dean). 

My intention was to speak up for myself but I guess it turned out to be out of reaction to her rudeness so the consequences were getting everyone in trouble. We were advised from our teacher (who saw our side and certainly knew this director's personality) to simply follow the requested directions and avoid confrontations that would end up hurting our "school record" reputation that we are evaluated on every semester. 

Part of the lesson learned here is that when there is broken communication and assumptions the results cannot be good. The other part of the lesson was to see if it is worth speaking out in that particular moment when the position I hold is put in jeopardy because someone with more "power" can ruin my semester and grade simply because I acted out in defense. Perhaps a smarter decision would be to speak out when my school record does not depend on what this woman says about me. A third lesson is that speaking out of a reaction will cause the other person (who does not know any better) to react as well. So my approach in standing up for myself should have been without reacting to her.

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Pocky Sticks

Yesterday James and I went out to eat at this Chinese/Japanese place (Red Lantern). It seems to be "family owned restaurant". We ordered the dinner for two, which is a sweet deal as we get soup, appetizer, dinner and desert. I ordered a desert called "Pocky Ice Cream". For those who don't know "Pocky" is a Japanese snack that comes in different flavors.

When I received my desert I began laughing because their "Pocky Ice Cream" was not what I expected. I ordered the vanilla flavor and I received two plain vanilla scoops with ONE tiny pocky stick wannabe. I can't recall the last time I had a good laugh. I couldn't believe that they would call this "pocky ice cream".
The point of this occurrence was that I really need to laugh more often and be alive!
Another point to mention was the conversation I had with James which was a point of self reflection. He told me that when he had met me I was refusing to shop at Walmart and was big on organic "Whole Foods" purchases. I remembered what he was talking about. I remember having this wave of trying to Boycott Walmart and saw non-organic food as less than organic food. I told James about this point and then I pointed out that I am still against Walmart's dirty business however as of the current system boycotting one place changes nothing, and it certainly does not change the fact of "money" and how everything in Capitalism is set up to reflect people's economic stability thus shopping at Walmart is almost forced upon people who need to spend less money in order to survive within the current money system. So refusing or pulling back from certain stores isn't the effective way when it comes to the bigger picture. I told James that in order for a change to take place we must change the whole system itself, not try to change bits of the system that in the long run have no impact. We must move as a whole!

Perhaps then I would be getting a cheap pocky ice-cream that is expensive to purchase... :)


That is why supporting the emergence of the Equal Money System is the only support I can truly give. And being part of Desteni is the best decision I have made in order to support self and the bigger picture as that self. There is no turning back, only moving forward!

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Unable to Speak

After talking to Sunette regarding my last post "When I cry" we came to the conclusion that I have a problem when being confronted or enter a conflict with another. When an event like that occurs I tent to withdraw from standing up because I want to avoid being in a conflict with another. What this results in is accumulating mind energy within me (back chat and suppression) leading to me crying as a form of physical release.
I noticed that I have always cried when being upset which means I am unstable within myself to make any common sense responses regarding the issue I am facing. This puts me in a loop every time. I have also created a blockage for myself because inside me I want to communicate the related points but I can't speak them out. Which in terms puts me in a self sabotage point.
"Sunette Spies: So - it's extensive fear that manifests in a moment of facing the conflict, and instead of facing/walking through the fear - the crying them comes to not face the fear and manipulate yourself with the other person so the moment can stop and be suppressed."
I can recall this point of suppression and fear of facing manifesting in past relationships and particularly within a time when I have been called stupid, when my word was not taken into consideration, when I have not been heard by another when I had something to say or when someone has disregarded my words and said I was wrong. I face this point til this day with certain individuals in my world. So this can only mean that this point is eager to come out and be faced no matter how many times I suppress it.
"I wish the other can understand what I am saying" is a common thought that comes up when this point manifests in my life. Which indicates that I am not willing to walk the line and effort of showing the other individual what I am saying. And if it is not understood by the other I need to understand that they are not ready to physically comprehend the essence of what I have said. And I need to understand that point without getting upset at the other for not comprehending me.
What I experience within when I cry is a form of betrayal. As if the other person has betrayed me so deep that after becoming upset I begin to feel self pity. I mean this point is quite extensive in various layers. I feel it energetically as I cry and it I feel how my anger transforms into self pity. I physically experience it as hot and cold flashes.

In a solution while speaking with Sunette regarding this point, I have to view my trust in speaking. Meaning that a layer of why I cannot speak is because I don't trust myself with speaking on the first place. Where this becomes prevalent in a conflict is that my words come out as a reaction rather than a stability point. This leaves me with talking "gibberish" rather than saying and presenting a common sense perspective within the conflict.

More to come as I look at this point!!!!

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When I Cry!

I have noticed that every time I am upset, angry, sad, helpless, misunderstood my final "explosion" is to cry.
When I am in this moment of crying I notice I am unable to speak, explain myself to the reasons why I am crying. I find it hard to voice myself because I am in an emotional state. However, at the same time in that emotional state while crying I am able to explain everything to myself within that moment as I am experiencing all the reasons to why I am crying. They are thoughts that have no particular order to how they come out, I can't distinguish my real reason from the ones I end up making up in my head. So when I try voicing my reasons for crying (when someone asks me why am I crying) my words are distorted and what comes out seems to make no sense to the person I am talking to.  I cry and I want to be alone to cry it out, but then again I want someone to see me cry so that they know something is not Ok, because in after the fact moment of me crying, all the things I wanted to say but I couldn't are just not there. The whole reason shifts and then I say "well I have nothing to say". But I do have something to say because the issue has not been cleared up. I just can't seem to express it when I am crying and don't seem to be able to express it after I am done crying. So the next time I cry again.
This is the cycle of accumulating mind energy through what happens in my "world", how I am not able to handle the situations with clarity and at the end it explodes in crying so that the accumulated energy can be released. However this does not solve the initial issue where I am in a self confused state. So let's try this in writing.

The latest example is an event that is occurring with my parents and the consequences of them splitting up, both moving out of the house they bought together leaving my brother, me, the 3 cats and James to live in the house. Both paying their portions of the house that is not sell-able at the moment. Both wasting their money paying for the place they no longer live in. And my dad realizes that there is no reason to pay for a place that he no longer lives in. I see that perspective. But I also see our (mine, brother, James) perceptive that as owners of the house my mom and dad still have a financial responsibility. The thing that upsets me the most is that no one is considering the 3 cats in their "decisions". I mean obviously James and I (and Victor) can move into his parents, but the cats will be hard to keep there. My brother can move with my mom, or he has been considering moving out on his own. On top of that my grandma is pushing on coming here again for another 6 months. She has been "pain in the ass" last time she visited. If she comes she will have to stay with us in the house granted we can still live here. However she becomes our responsibility because there is no room for her where my dad moved out to. My mom will not take her because she is my dad's mother. We (me, brother, James) don't necessarily want to responsible for her coming here. My dad is looking into buying another house to live with his girlfriend and bring my grandma with him but what sense does that make when he already has the house we live in. We can't all fit in it, and it will not be a good idea given the different people that don't seem to get along per say. This situation is driving me crazy, it is not resolving. I don't have control over the decisions being taken by my parents. James and my brother refuse to pay for the house because it is too high of a payment and my brother can always move in with my mom and me and  James with his parents. And again "Where do my cats go?" This whole thing is becoming too complicated.
If I had the money to move out with my cats, James and Victor (coming up baby) and the rest everyone can resolve between them.
I mean.... What is the best way to resolve this situation. Everyone is pulling their way:
My grandma pushing to come here.
My dad pushing on buying a new house and refusing to pay for the one he already owns.
My brother wanting to move out as well if my grandma comes and has the opportunity to move in with my mom, does not want to pay for the house we live in.
James does not want to pay for the house we live in when he can move back to his parents BUT I have to come with him=we are to raise a child now. And he is also not very fond of my grandma coming here as well.
My mom is already paying for the house she bought with her boyfriend.
MY 3 CATS NEED A HOME that is WITH ME because they are my responsibility and I refuse to "abandon" them.
I would like to be with James and the cats and Victor wherever we end up going.
James mom allergic to cats and already have a dog=if we move there we are going to be 6 people, 1 dog and 3 cats- in a town house! What sense does that make?

So what is the best solution here?
It is not a good time for my grandma to be coming here. She can wait til my dad is ready to take her into his responsibility.
The house can go on foreclosure at which point we still have some time to live in here before deciding to get our own place or rather I need to finish my school, get my teacher job and then James and I can talk about moving on our own.
The cats are staying with us (James and me).
My brother moves in with my mom or gets his own place.

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