Accepting Motherhood

It's been a 5 weeks since Victor was born. Since working in a daycare center with infants and toddlers I had the experience and attitude of a person who is a secondary caregiver. When I first held Victor even though he had just came out of me I had the same "feeling", as in I associated me holding him just like a second caregiver.

Let me define second caregiver: Someone who is taking care of a child when the parents (first caregivers) cannot be present. Someone who is temporarily available to be here when the parents cannot be. Someone who sees the child in a segment of a day and in all actuality does not have the full responsibility of taking care of this child. Someone who is not responsible for providing food, clothing, diapers, and shelter.
As a teacher I am providing education and a safe environment and the opportunity to expand where parents cannot. But as a mother I provide much, much more, from financial support to education support and developmental support so that the child has the opportunity to grow up in an open and self exploratory environment.

As the weeks passed I continued to have the attitude of a second caregiver. I was not accepting "motherhood".
I have heard of people say that the moment they hold their baby they experience a special bond with their newborn. Whether that is real or an experience in the mind, I did not experience this initial "bonding".

Accepting that I am a mother means that I have this whole other responsibility other than myself. A being who is dependent on me completely for the moment as he grows to be independent and self sufficient in many ways through the years. A being whom I have to teach to be self responsible within the physical in a world that is full of irresponsibility. A being whom I have to teach self responsibility when I myself have not accepted responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within this world of irresponsibility.

Accepting motherhood means that I need to accept a responsibility that I am refusing and rejecting to accept.
I can also see that I am separating myself from Victor. Children are a copy of ourselves and thus will carry certain programming that we as parents have. This programming will become more prevalent as the child grows up and it will appear to show us as parents what we need to work on, what we need to self forgive so that we can emerge as beings who are self directive and responsible in order to create a responsible world. So even though he is a separate being from me, in many ways he a mix of myself and his father. Accepting the responsibility for Victor would mean that I have to accept the responsibility for myself. And I was not ready to do that yet. I am aware that it takes time and I am certain I will not fail myself.
I notice that the word "responsibility" comes up within this blog and my sentences a lot.
"Responsibility" has been a big point that I am walking through. It seems to be embedded within me through my personality design, that of a passive personality and personality that relays on others majority of the time, which means that I am clearly not self directive 100% .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rejecting becoming a mother because I am rejecting to accept the full responsibility for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject reject the full responsibility for another being because I am rejecting to accept full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject full responsibility for myself because I am not self motivated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being self motivated because in majority of the time  I relay on others to take care of me and accept the responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relay on others because this is something I have done all my life as a personality programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on this personality programming because that would take time and effort and self motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self motivated because I expect others to push me to be self motivated. I expect that others

Today I am accepting motherhood in the sense of accepting responsibility for another being as myself.
I am accepting to take care of another being as I take care of myself.  I am accepting to push through my programming as I would assist and support to push through Victor's programming (which in fact is mine).

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