Accepting Motherhood

It's been a 5 weeks since Victor was born. Since working in a daycare center with infants and toddlers I had the experience and attitude of a person who is a secondary caregiver. When I first held Victor even though he had just came out of me I had the same "feeling", as in I associated me holding him just like a second caregiver.

Let me define second caregiver: Someone who is taking care of a child when the parents (first caregivers) cannot be present. Someone who is temporarily available to be here when the parents cannot be. Someone who sees the child in a segment of a day and in all actuality does not have the full responsibility of taking care of this child. Someone who is not responsible for providing food, clothing, diapers, and shelter.
As a teacher I am providing education and a safe environment and the opportunity to expand where parents cannot. But as a mother I provide much, much more, from financial support to education support and developmental support so that the child has the opportunity to grow up in an open and self exploratory environment.

As the weeks passed I continued to have the attitude of a second caregiver. I was not accepting "motherhood".
I have heard of people say that the moment they hold their baby they experience a special bond with their newborn. Whether that is real or an experience in the mind, I did not experience this initial "bonding".

Accepting that I am a mother means that I have this whole other responsibility other than myself. A being who is dependent on me completely for the moment as he grows to be independent and self sufficient in many ways through the years. A being whom I have to teach to be self responsible within the physical in a world that is full of irresponsibility. A being whom I have to teach self responsibility when I myself have not accepted responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within this world of irresponsibility.

Accepting motherhood means that I need to accept a responsibility that I am refusing and rejecting to accept.
I can also see that I am separating myself from Victor. Children are a copy of ourselves and thus will carry certain programming that we as parents have. This programming will become more prevalent as the child grows up and it will appear to show us as parents what we need to work on, what we need to self forgive so that we can emerge as beings who are self directive and responsible in order to create a responsible world. So even though he is a separate being from me, in many ways he a mix of myself and his father. Accepting the responsibility for Victor would mean that I have to accept the responsibility for myself. And I was not ready to do that yet. I am aware that it takes time and I am certain I will not fail myself.
I notice that the word "responsibility" comes up within this blog and my sentences a lot.
"Responsibility" has been a big point that I am walking through. It seems to be embedded within me through my personality design, that of a passive personality and personality that relays on others majority of the time, which means that I am clearly not self directive 100% .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rejecting becoming a mother because I am rejecting to accept the full responsibility for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject reject the full responsibility for another being because I am rejecting to accept full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject full responsibility for myself because I am not self motivated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being self motivated because in majority of the time  I relay on others to take care of me and accept the responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relay on others because this is something I have done all my life as a personality programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on this personality programming because that would take time and effort and self motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self motivated because I expect others to push me to be self motivated. I expect that others

Today I am accepting motherhood in the sense of accepting responsibility for another being as myself.
I am accepting to take care of another being as I take care of myself.  I am accepting to push through my programming as I would assist and support to push through Victor's programming (which in fact is mine).

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Stopping Breastfeeding

A couple of days ago I decided that I am stopping breastfeeding. Victor is almost 1 month old now so I was able to give him breast milk for about 1 month. I guess better than nothing.

I had to look at this from a practical perspective. I wanted to breastfeed on the first place because this is what is "natural". Also I received somewhat of a pressure from my mom who assumed I will be breastfeeding for at least 6 months. I understand that breast milk is a better option for baby's, I mean it is "natural" milk that is produced and it is full of nutrients that can be hard to imitate with formula. I wanted to breast feed Victor with the starting point that breast milk is better than formula.
Now a days there are many reasons to why a mother would use formula. One reason would be not being able to produce breast milk or not being able to make enough. Another is returning to work and not being full time with the baby to breast feed.
My reason was PAIN!
When I was at the hospital, the nurse told me to pump so that I can establish my milk supply. So I pumped and pumped. The colostrum (first stage of milk) came out right away after delivery. It was very little per pumping. A couple of days later my breast became full and heavy and the breast milk began to come. With every pump I made about 6 ounces. Victor was able to drink about 2 ounces. I didn't know it yet but I was making more that needed. I think it may have been the pumping I did because the more I pumped the more I told my body to make more (supply and demand). However Victor's demand was only 2-3 ounces per feeding at about 2.5 to 3 hours. My initial milk was good because I was able to eat nutritiously. So the first week was good.
Soon I realized what I pain it is to pump and breast feed especially at night when I began getting interrupted sleep. It wasn't so much for Victor waking up (he woke up only one time to feed at 3 am) but the fact that I still had to pump to empty my breast because if I don't they become full and painful. Well I began skipping pumping at 3 hours and I pumped at 5 hour at night, whenever I woke up or Victor woke up. This lead to my breast becoming really full and I got some lumps called duck clogs. Which meant that the milk I didn't pump out on time got clogged up. In week 2 I started getting the lumps. My mom and Lana were helping to "milk me out". So I would sit there while pumping and one of them would squeeze my breast to release the lump. I was fine with the first lump however not so happy with the next 3 I got. I would get one every other day. It was a painful process to remove the lumps and time consuming (hot showers, squeezing, excessive pumping, painful massage and so on). On top of that the pump I was using had a smaller opening that did not match my nipple size so my nipples were very irritated from the rubbing. When Victor was feeding, his latching was not good (he would only get my nipple in his mouth) so my nipples were also cracked and painful to touch.
Then I read online that there are two types of milk within the breast. One that came out first, and the second one was deeper into the breast. Well if he never got to the second one (he would fall asleep on my breast and was never draining all the milk out) then he was not receiving the full advantage and nutrition from my milk.
On week 3 I got mastitis (infection from a clogged duck) that comes with pain and fever. I went to the ER room and was prescribed an antibiotic. With the antibiotic my milk irritated Victor's tummy and he was cramping and crying a lot. I began using the frozen milk of my over supply I had saved from the first week. I also bought a wider pump opening which did assist with my nipples but the suction itself to pull the milk out was still unpleasant.
At this point I began considering moving on to formula.
I was getting really irritated with all the pain, not enough sleep and baby crying because he was in pain. I had it! I had to look at what was practical for both of us.
If I was "unhappy" with myself than I can't take proper care of Victor. Walking around in pain all the time was not making a "happy mommy".
I had to make a decision. One that disappointed my mom but I had to do what needed to be done to support my body so that I can support Victor.
About 2 days ago I stopped pumping. I decided to use the time I was on antibiotic to stop the milk without risking an infection. My breast got really full and painful. I was leaking milk out, my nipples were tingling. I was taking Tylenol for the pain. The following day breast were in less pain, but still engorged.  Today is day three. Breast still engorged. Pain is less, milk has stopped leaking from my right one. I am not sure how long it will take me to dry milk out, but at least I know that this pain will not return and the milk will dry out. It is great not worry about pumping and when the next engorgement will happen, or lump, or infection.
I am in the process of trying out different formula. I am trying out Similac for gas and fuzziness.
Victor seems to have lots of gas (which is normal for infants for the first 3 months) and he cries a lot when he is cramping. I give him tummy massages (about all I can do). And as soon as the breast pain is gone, I can be more active, enjoy myself with Victor, hold him better (due to pain I have been avoiding to hold him, only during feedings). And I get my body back.

I don't regret my decision. My starting point is to look for what is best for both of us to function well.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)