Unable to Speak

After talking to Sunette regarding my last post "When I cry" we came to the conclusion that I have a problem when being confronted or enter a conflict with another. When an event like that occurs I tent to withdraw from standing up because I want to avoid being in a conflict with another. What this results in is accumulating mind energy within me (back chat and suppression) leading to me crying as a form of physical release.
I noticed that I have always cried when being upset which means I am unstable within myself to make any common sense responses regarding the issue I am facing. This puts me in a loop every time. I have also created a blockage for myself because inside me I want to communicate the related points but I can't speak them out. Which in terms puts me in a self sabotage point.
"Sunette Spies: So - it's extensive fear that manifests in a moment of facing the conflict, and instead of facing/walking through the fear - the crying them comes to not face the fear and manipulate yourself with the other person so the moment can stop and be suppressed."
I can recall this point of suppression and fear of facing manifesting in past relationships and particularly within a time when I have been called stupid, when my word was not taken into consideration, when I have not been heard by another when I had something to say or when someone has disregarded my words and said I was wrong. I face this point til this day with certain individuals in my world. So this can only mean that this point is eager to come out and be faced no matter how many times I suppress it.
"I wish the other can understand what I am saying" is a common thought that comes up when this point manifests in my life. Which indicates that I am not willing to walk the line and effort of showing the other individual what I am saying. And if it is not understood by the other I need to understand that they are not ready to physically comprehend the essence of what I have said. And I need to understand that point without getting upset at the other for not comprehending me.
What I experience within when I cry is a form of betrayal. As if the other person has betrayed me so deep that after becoming upset I begin to feel self pity. I mean this point is quite extensive in various layers. I feel it energetically as I cry and it I feel how my anger transforms into self pity. I physically experience it as hot and cold flashes.

In a solution while speaking with Sunette regarding this point, I have to view my trust in speaking. Meaning that a layer of why I cannot speak is because I don't trust myself with speaking on the first place. Where this becomes prevalent in a conflict is that my words come out as a reaction rather than a stability point. This leaves me with talking "gibberish" rather than saying and presenting a common sense perspective within the conflict.

More to come as I look at this point!!!!

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When I Cry!

I have noticed that every time I am upset, angry, sad, helpless, misunderstood my final "explosion" is to cry.
When I am in this moment of crying I notice I am unable to speak, explain myself to the reasons why I am crying. I find it hard to voice myself because I am in an emotional state. However, at the same time in that emotional state while crying I am able to explain everything to myself within that moment as I am experiencing all the reasons to why I am crying. They are thoughts that have no particular order to how they come out, I can't distinguish my real reason from the ones I end up making up in my head. So when I try voicing my reasons for crying (when someone asks me why am I crying) my words are distorted and what comes out seems to make no sense to the person I am talking to.  I cry and I want to be alone to cry it out, but then again I want someone to see me cry so that they know something is not Ok, because in after the fact moment of me crying, all the things I wanted to say but I couldn't are just not there. The whole reason shifts and then I say "well I have nothing to say". But I do have something to say because the issue has not been cleared up. I just can't seem to express it when I am crying and don't seem to be able to express it after I am done crying. So the next time I cry again.
This is the cycle of accumulating mind energy through what happens in my "world", how I am not able to handle the situations with clarity and at the end it explodes in crying so that the accumulated energy can be released. However this does not solve the initial issue where I am in a self confused state. So let's try this in writing.

The latest example is an event that is occurring with my parents and the consequences of them splitting up, both moving out of the house they bought together leaving my brother, me, the 3 cats and James to live in the house. Both paying their portions of the house that is not sell-able at the moment. Both wasting their money paying for the place they no longer live in. And my dad realizes that there is no reason to pay for a place that he no longer lives in. I see that perspective. But I also see our (mine, brother, James) perceptive that as owners of the house my mom and dad still have a financial responsibility. The thing that upsets me the most is that no one is considering the 3 cats in their "decisions". I mean obviously James and I (and Victor) can move into his parents, but the cats will be hard to keep there. My brother can move with my mom, or he has been considering moving out on his own. On top of that my grandma is pushing on coming here again for another 6 months. She has been "pain in the ass" last time she visited. If she comes she will have to stay with us in the house granted we can still live here. However she becomes our responsibility because there is no room for her where my dad moved out to. My mom will not take her because she is my dad's mother. We (me, brother, James) don't necessarily want to responsible for her coming here. My dad is looking into buying another house to live with his girlfriend and bring my grandma with him but what sense does that make when he already has the house we live in. We can't all fit in it, and it will not be a good idea given the different people that don't seem to get along per say. This situation is driving me crazy, it is not resolving. I don't have control over the decisions being taken by my parents. James and my brother refuse to pay for the house because it is too high of a payment and my brother can always move in with my mom and me and  James with his parents. And again "Where do my cats go?" This whole thing is becoming too complicated.
If I had the money to move out with my cats, James and Victor (coming up baby) and the rest everyone can resolve between them.
I mean.... What is the best way to resolve this situation. Everyone is pulling their way:
My grandma pushing to come here.
My dad pushing on buying a new house and refusing to pay for the one he already owns.
My brother wanting to move out as well if my grandma comes and has the opportunity to move in with my mom, does not want to pay for the house we live in.
James does not want to pay for the house we live in when he can move back to his parents BUT I have to come with him=we are to raise a child now. And he is also not very fond of my grandma coming here as well.
My mom is already paying for the house she bought with her boyfriend.
MY 3 CATS NEED A HOME that is WITH ME because they are my responsibility and I refuse to "abandon" them.
I would like to be with James and the cats and Victor wherever we end up going.
James mom allergic to cats and already have a dog=if we move there we are going to be 6 people, 1 dog and 3 cats- in a town house! What sense does that make?

So what is the best solution here?
It is not a good time for my grandma to be coming here. She can wait til my dad is ready to take her into his responsibility.
The house can go on foreclosure at which point we still have some time to live in here before deciding to get our own place or rather I need to finish my school, get my teacher job and then James and I can talk about moving on our own.
The cats are staying with us (James and me).
My brother moves in with my mom or gets his own place.

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