Selecting a Childcare Center for Victor

Today I went and shopped around for a childcare center. I will be student teaching in the fall (for which I receive no income, so it's like free labor), and I will need to send Victor to a childcare center. He will be about 5 months by then.
The interesting thing is seeing the other side, meaning being the parent and not the teacher. Selecting a center that will fit the needs and price is important. While working at a childcare center as a teacher I had no idea what and how much it is for parents to sent their children. What I am realizing (now that I am at the other end) is that I want a quality place that is at a fair price. What is a fair price? Well generally speaking it is a price that is affordable. At this time (current money system) I don't think any price for a childcare center is affordable for majority of parents out there.The full time price per month is basically either a 2 week or 1 month pay check that a 1 parent can receive. I would be paying more to send my child to a center than the amount I made working at the center. That is CRAZY!
There is of course the government pay help, but for that one needs to qualify with a significant low income.
Next it is the quality of the center. I went to visit one today that looked like a "bomb" fell in there. Really cheap organization and when I went to the infant room....lol it looked depressing. The centers were not divided, the cribs were old school, they were also different types and the one thing that I did not like about the center was that the infant room was from 6 weeks to 24 months. There is a HUGE development that goes on during this age period. I mean you have a baby that can hardly move and a toddler that is all over the place. Honestly I "feel" bad for the teachers. Having been one that worked with infants and toddlers, they would have to have their eyes open all the time. It is not safe to have toddlers running around infants. Where I worked we would not even place an infant on the floor to explore when having a 14 month and up running around and falling over and tossing toys around (at 14 they moved up to toddlers where there was more space for mobility and different focus as well as skills and activities to work on their development).
Anyhow, obviously this place did not have the extra room to offer separate space for different developing skills in children. So even though it was the cheapest place I found, it was also the worse of quality I have seen. It is not a place I would sent Victor to. And I don't blame the place of course, it is the system we allow and accept because this place is obviously due to remodeling and revamping and who knows what their budget is. It is always about money....that is why The Equal Money System IS the BEST proposal EVER to be made in the history of mankind.
I will have to visit a few other places and make my decision.

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"Three Idiots"

Yesterday I watched a Bollywood movie called "Three Idiots". It is an Indian movie about 3 students that meet up in Engineering University. The University portrays and promotes a competition based life and that life is a race and those who come first succeed. All the professors follow this philosophy about life. They are really hard on the students and there is no room for expression. One needs to study, study, study to get the good grade and a degree that says they have completed. It offers no practical use to the information being presented. Students were pressured and suffocated with a few committing suicide because they would offend their family and their life would go to shit if they don't do good.
One of the 3 guys comes in with the attitude that learning is about passion, self dedication and that everyone has the opportunity for succeeding if they help each other to learn and be friends. He shows what he learns in practical application and is very good at remaining stable when his professors down talk him. He is the only one standing up within the whole University and challenges every professor (for which no professor likes him in their class). The guy sticks to his philosophy and helps his two friends learn and get through their 4 years of the University. He helps them to express who they are in spite of what everyone else thought of them.
The movie is a comedy but has a lot of essence to it about equality, self, passion.
At the end of the movie the guy opens his own school as well as works on science research stuff. The moral of the movie was- one that realizes that everyone can work together and help each other will be the successful one. And one that is selfish (there was another guy that was the teacher's pet), may succeed and get money but they would have never leaned how to enjoy themselves in the process and they will be money, greedy oriented people that will cause harm at any cost.

The one main thing I found assisting to myself was how calm the guys was when he was being "challenged" by people who thought he was crazy and a trouble maker for challenging the system. I have been working on myself for some time when people challenge Desteni using their pre-programmed minds to find any flaw within the message because it contradicts with everything they have been taught within the current system. It an be very difficult for someone to see or very easy, it depends how much they are willing to hold on to when it comes to their programming and how much they are willing to accept responsibility for which would mean they are ready to finally work on themselves.

When the movie was over, I was able to realize this point within myself- I have always in some ways reacted to others when being "challenged" by them about Desteni. However the answer is simple. One cannot share a point when one is not willing to hear because it becomes an argument. Desteni is not about arguments, it is about self realization and opening one's eyes. So there is no point to really argue here. There is no point to reacting to a reaction that someone else presents to you. If I accept their reaction, then I have reacted to them myself. A reaction is any movement one experiences inside themselves (positive or negative).
It took me sometime, but after realizing this single point, all reactions that I ever had simply dropped out. This is evidence that they were never real on the first place. I was only feeding my mind. And of course that is valid for any reactions about anything one may experience.
I have been avoiding talking and mentioning Desteni related topics to people because I knew I would react to their reactions. By reacting one does not accomplish anything. And that is what happened to me, by allowing reactions I was not getting anywhere within my process or self work. As a matter of fact the opposite occurred. It was more of a retraction than going forward. It became a fear based point which caused self doubt which showed no self progress that can apply to others as assistance or show to others that "Well, yea she is getting somewhere using these tools, they seem to work, I will try them as well."
Realizing this point is like a huge weight has been lifted off of me that accumulated within my "hiding" process.
Here is a trailer view: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEDbHOxOg4M
I recommend watching the movie. Be aware though, Indian movies are LONG.
Enjoy.

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Cow Milk or Not

So the formula I chose for Victor is Similac (orange for gassy and lactose irritability). At first I had a problem with it because of the "lactose irritability" label. This formula does not have cow mil in it but some sort of substitute which is not soy. I figured that if Victor was not introduced to cow milk based formula he may not be able to drink cow milk later. So I switched it to the green one (organic). However, Victor was constipated from it. Then I investigated why would I worry if Victor would be able to drink cow milk or not on the first place. The result was that most people drink cow milk and products in our society are cow milk based. I thought that if he would not do good with cow milk, he won't be able to eat most things that have

dairy in them. Also, the type of food I eat has dairy in it. If his body would not support cow milk I would

have to buy different food for him. 

Another reason I was able to pin point within me was the fact that I see many children allergic to food, and not being able to eat dairy products. I have this idea that Victor cannot be allergic to anything. I mean I am not allergic and James isn't and I just don't get how can so many children have an allergy now a days. It was a fear based starting point that if I would not introduce cow milk based formula, Victor would result in being allergic. I see this point of being "special" because I am not allergic to anything that I know of this moment. 

So this is more about me (of course, as everything is taken back to self). It is about me fearing an allergy and more so seeing people who are allergic as they did something wrong to become allergic to something. In a way it's like seeing people who are allergic as less than me because they "fucked" up somewhere to become allergic. 

This of course is invalid fear and superiority I have built in my mind to separate myself from others and say "Well I am not like this".

On a bigger picture we need to realize that allergies and many other things are the result of our collective fucked upness within what we accept and allow to exists within the system and that in that separation we are all equally responsible for the existence we are in right now.

So I went back to the orange formula with which his physical body was OK with. And if he ends up being allergic to cow milk in any way, I will look for a product that is suitable for his psychical body.

Until we stand up and begin change within ourselves that will reflect the common we will live in separation, blame, feeling inferior or superior. We will bear the consequences we create for ourselves because we couldn't accept equality and that which is best for all. 

So the first step to changing is ourselves and the implementation of an Equal Money System that will end abuse globally and will support the individual as well as the public. Oness and Equality!

Investigate:

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

There is a solution, all it takes is to participate in it!

Content Area Test- did not pass

In order for me to student teach in the fall I need to pass the content area test for early childhood education. I got my results yesterday and they said that I did not pass it. I was a bit upset because I was counting on passing the test. Now I have one more chance to take it before the fall when I am supposed to student teach. I already have my placements, all I have to do is submit a passing score result to my school.

When I got upset, I kind of wanted to blame the content of the test. It is 125 questions that are all different scenarios within a classroom. It is multiple choice and I have to pick the best answer when all the answers seem correct. The test is 5 hours however I finished it in 3 hours. I was not trying to rush through it, and I reread every question multiple times; my head was starting to hurt. I sort of prepared myself for the test. I took a practice one I purchased, however it must have been an older version because the actual test had nothing to do with the practice test.
After I stabilized myself from being upset at myself, I looked at the website's practice test. They only have 20 questions and I think some of them were on the actual test.
Anyhow I have about 3 weeks to prepare until the next test. I figured what I need to to to pick the correct answer is look at the actual context of the question at a deeper level than just reading it. They are written in such a way to confuse the reader. There have to be some key words within the question that point out to the best correct answer. And that is what my practice will be for the next 3 weeks.
I am determined to pass it because I want to do my student teaching in the fall. All the paper process is taken care of...it is just this last step on my part-PASS the test. There is no more room for failing it.

http://www.icts.nesinc.com/PDFs/IL_FacGuide_AppendixC_fld107.pdf
The following is link to the test guide on the Illinois web site.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

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My experience with Psychics

When I was around 17 or 18 years old I had a friend that introduced me to "psychics". At the time I was in a place of my life where I was depressed, I wanted answers that had to do with my love life and particularly about one boy.
I was already into Wicca and magick related stuff. I had a bunch of candles and inscents, books about spells and so on. I was also into the show "Charmed" which initially sparked my interest with witchcraft. I was going through a "heart break" and wanted to fix things up...lol whatever that meant.
Anyway. My friend told me about this psychic she goes to. I was exited about the idea and asked her to bring me there.
The place was a little shop with all kinds of "magic" books and spells and chakras (http://eqafe.com/p/chakras-the-soul-and-astral-projection) posters. It sold crystals, candles, "ingredients" for spells. When I came in for the first time I felt this sense of this is so cool and I'm glad I can come here and experience this "divinity" and higher connection (at the time I believed that there is a higher spiritual power that watched over us, NOT a GOD though, and if I connected to it I can be special and be able to have "powers" of some sort.
I sat down on the table with the psychic. The charge was 1 dollar per minute. I told her I had 10 dollars, she put n the clock and we began. She shuffled the cards, asked me to touch them, and began pulling them out and explaining stuff to me. She told me (as far as I can remember) I was feeling depressed, I had someone special in my life who cared for me but was afraid to tell me, or was in a position that he couldn't. She told I will be eventually back with him and so on.
I listened and was intrigued. She was telling me stuff I wanted to hear and at the same time I was afraid of stuff she would tell me that I did not want to hear. (I didn't end up with this boy and it was a struggle and hope that kept me going and kept me imprisoned to this love feeling I wanted for many years).
I kept going back to this place for some time hearing the things I wanted to to keep me hoping. I also went to other places.
One I in particular remember (the last time I went to a psychic because I was coming out of my magick period of time) was a place I had been passing by for months. Finally I decided I will go in. I don't remember how much I paid her but I came out of there very UNsatisfied with our session. She basically told me absolutely nothing, and said that I had very bad energy around me, surrounding me, as if someone had cursed me and I was having bad luck. She offered to remove this energy but I had to purchase 3 special candles that would cost me 1000 dollars. Bring the candles to her so she can perform this "ritual" and remove the bad energy. LOL I left this place and never went to another psychic again. By that time I was 24 or 25.
So what is the moral of my story I got for myself. I went to a psychic because I wanted to hear specific answers to my struggling life questions. I did get to hear what I wanted most of the time and when I didn't I ignored it and still kept hoping something will alter so that I got what I needed/wanted.
Then I came across Desteni that explained the whole deal of psychics, what they used to be, how they used to channel and what is left of the right now.
I was amazed to hear that they were people who were able to get into my mind ("life") programming that was designed by what we all thought to be "God" (http://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-emergence-of-anu-part-1), and when the portal opened (http://eqafe.com/p/the-story-of-sunette) in 2004 all of that channeling was shut down.
You can do your own research on that matter by visiting http://desteni.org/  as the information is vast.

Once starting to walk my process with the tools (self forgiveness and writing, self investigation) I no longer needed or even desired to go to a psychic and the idea of a psychic was dismantled within me for I had built it as a self protection to hear what I wanted to hear to be sure that what I wanted to hear was somehow validated and I would feel better even if it was just for a few months.
Soon I realized that placing my life int he hands of an external force was silly when I and everyone is able to direct themselves within what is best for all (http://antoaneta36.blogspot.com/2011/10/what-is-best-for-all-is-what-is-best.html). I am my own validator, no one knows me best than myself thus I know my self dis- honesties that I hope upon and I solely I  keep them alive.
Through the assistance of fellow Desteni participants and hearing the stories they share and have shared just like I am sharing this one here, I was able to step on my feet and stop keeping my dis-honesties alive. It was as simple as pointing it out and me seeing. I know how to investigate my starting point within my decisions and I am able to see from a different perspective, one that involves creating a world that is honest.
I don't need a psychic and I certainly can handle myself within depression points that arise. If I knew what I know now, suffering and struggling that time of my life when I was 17-18 to 26 and even earlier ages, would have never been an issue because I would have know what that was, why it occurred to me and how to handle it on my own without the emotions I was experiencing that were digging a whole in my chest.

Thank you "Desteni" for showing me a way to direct myself with self honesty. And if everyone were able to hear the Desteni Message (http://antoaneta36.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-i-was-able-to-hear-desteni-message.html) then we will be one HUGE step forward to creating "heaven" on Earth where we honor all beings.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Tanning and Equal Money System

When I was younger (20-25yr) I was obsessed with tanning in the sun. I had built up this image of myself and girls in general that darker is more sexy than white, pale skin. This was also link to a period in my life where I saw white people as not pretty enough and that dark skinned people looked better. I was into finding guys to date that were in the brown skin shade (or rather I found them more attractive which went with my idea that darker appeared better). And I dreamed of having a child that was of a mix race. The appearance was to be "light eyes and fairly dark skin".
I remember going to Bulgaria the summer of 2003 (I was almost 21yr). I was there for a month visiting family and friends. With some friends we went to the Black Sea for 2 weeks. I spend a huge amount of time under the sun with one purpose-getting darker. What was interesting was the fact that I saw "natural" tanning as better than "fake" tanning. I had associated fake tanning with "fakeness". Of course at the time I justified it and I didn't see that my tanning in essence was fake as well (in a different sense). I was trying to be something I am not and I was willing to damage my skin for it. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong about having some sun, however my starting point was not self honest (wanting to appear different than what I was and having the idea of dark being better) and I did more than a "normal" tanning. I went to the point to where I would not put on sunscreen because I thought it would make me tan faster and become darker faster. I also judged people who went to fake tanning salons as I associated them with "Barbie fake" and airheads.
About a year before I came across Desteni I had already began walking the realization that I should not try to look as something I am not. However as I began process with Desteni I had realized how fake I was towards myself and how I displayed this fakeness into my world, which affected my relationships with people and how I saw myself with others. Also the realization that tanning to such an extent was the same as putting make up, and hiding behind a fake mask (which was also something that I judged in others as I never wore make up).

I just came across this article/video
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/tanning-booth-mom-says-arrest-taking-daughter-5-153138630.html
I couldn't help but notice how dark this woman was from going to the tanning salon. The article itself is about her being blamed that she took her 6 year old to tan and she got a burn. The mother was arrested but she denied this happening. She goes on to say that her daughter plays in the salon area while waiting for her mom. Her words were "she plays princess, Barbie and stuff". Then she goes on to say that her daughter can make the decision if she wants to tan when she gets older.
I would say that her decision is already made. Unless her mom gets cancer and it has a strong impact on the daughter, her daughter is way on her route to FAKENESS LANE.

It is things like tanning to appear as something you are not that will not be tolerated in an Equal Money System as it is self abusive in nature. It is only common sense that once a person begins working on themselves, realizing and erasing all the fakeness they have accepted and allowed to exists as themselves with their world and on the larger scale, that they will be able to see that such things as a tanning salon becomes irrelevant and it will not be used, thus there is no reason for it's existence.
There is a lot of "fakeness" and abuse in the Capitalistic system that when broken down one must ask themselves the question "What the fuck are we doing to ourselves and others in the name of stupidity or greed?"

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

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http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Accepting Motherhood

It's been a 5 weeks since Victor was born. Since working in a daycare center with infants and toddlers I had the experience and attitude of a person who is a secondary caregiver. When I first held Victor even though he had just came out of me I had the same "feeling", as in I associated me holding him just like a second caregiver.

Let me define second caregiver: Someone who is taking care of a child when the parents (first caregivers) cannot be present. Someone who is temporarily available to be here when the parents cannot be. Someone who sees the child in a segment of a day and in all actuality does not have the full responsibility of taking care of this child. Someone who is not responsible for providing food, clothing, diapers, and shelter.
As a teacher I am providing education and a safe environment and the opportunity to expand where parents cannot. But as a mother I provide much, much more, from financial support to education support and developmental support so that the child has the opportunity to grow up in an open and self exploratory environment.

As the weeks passed I continued to have the attitude of a second caregiver. I was not accepting "motherhood".
I have heard of people say that the moment they hold their baby they experience a special bond with their newborn. Whether that is real or an experience in the mind, I did not experience this initial "bonding".

Accepting that I am a mother means that I have this whole other responsibility other than myself. A being who is dependent on me completely for the moment as he grows to be independent and self sufficient in many ways through the years. A being whom I have to teach to be self responsible within the physical in a world that is full of irresponsibility. A being whom I have to teach self responsibility when I myself have not accepted responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within this world of irresponsibility.

Accepting motherhood means that I need to accept a responsibility that I am refusing and rejecting to accept.
I can also see that I am separating myself from Victor. Children are a copy of ourselves and thus will carry certain programming that we as parents have. This programming will become more prevalent as the child grows up and it will appear to show us as parents what we need to work on, what we need to self forgive so that we can emerge as beings who are self directive and responsible in order to create a responsible world. So even though he is a separate being from me, in many ways he a mix of myself and his father. Accepting the responsibility for Victor would mean that I have to accept the responsibility for myself. And I was not ready to do that yet. I am aware that it takes time and I am certain I will not fail myself.
I notice that the word "responsibility" comes up within this blog and my sentences a lot.
"Responsibility" has been a big point that I am walking through. It seems to be embedded within me through my personality design, that of a passive personality and personality that relays on others majority of the time, which means that I am clearly not self directive 100% .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rejecting becoming a mother because I am rejecting to accept the full responsibility for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject reject the full responsibility for another being because I am rejecting to accept full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject full responsibility for myself because I am not self motivated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being self motivated because in majority of the time  I relay on others to take care of me and accept the responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relay on others because this is something I have done all my life as a personality programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on this personality programming because that would take time and effort and self motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self motivated because I expect others to push me to be self motivated. I expect that others

Today I am accepting motherhood in the sense of accepting responsibility for another being as myself.
I am accepting to take care of another being as I take care of myself.  I am accepting to push through my programming as I would assist and support to push through Victor's programming (which in fact is mine).

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Stopping Breastfeeding

A couple of days ago I decided that I am stopping breastfeeding. Victor is almost 1 month old now so I was able to give him breast milk for about 1 month. I guess better than nothing.

I had to look at this from a practical perspective. I wanted to breastfeed on the first place because this is what is "natural". Also I received somewhat of a pressure from my mom who assumed I will be breastfeeding for at least 6 months. I understand that breast milk is a better option for baby's, I mean it is "natural" milk that is produced and it is full of nutrients that can be hard to imitate with formula. I wanted to breast feed Victor with the starting point that breast milk is better than formula.
Now a days there are many reasons to why a mother would use formula. One reason would be not being able to produce breast milk or not being able to make enough. Another is returning to work and not being full time with the baby to breast feed.
My reason was PAIN!
When I was at the hospital, the nurse told me to pump so that I can establish my milk supply. So I pumped and pumped. The colostrum (first stage of milk) came out right away after delivery. It was very little per pumping. A couple of days later my breast became full and heavy and the breast milk began to come. With every pump I made about 6 ounces. Victor was able to drink about 2 ounces. I didn't know it yet but I was making more that needed. I think it may have been the pumping I did because the more I pumped the more I told my body to make more (supply and demand). However Victor's demand was only 2-3 ounces per feeding at about 2.5 to 3 hours. My initial milk was good because I was able to eat nutritiously. So the first week was good.
Soon I realized what I pain it is to pump and breast feed especially at night when I began getting interrupted sleep. It wasn't so much for Victor waking up (he woke up only one time to feed at 3 am) but the fact that I still had to pump to empty my breast because if I don't they become full and painful. Well I began skipping pumping at 3 hours and I pumped at 5 hour at night, whenever I woke up or Victor woke up. This lead to my breast becoming really full and I got some lumps called duck clogs. Which meant that the milk I didn't pump out on time got clogged up. In week 2 I started getting the lumps. My mom and Lana were helping to "milk me out". So I would sit there while pumping and one of them would squeeze my breast to release the lump. I was fine with the first lump however not so happy with the next 3 I got. I would get one every other day. It was a painful process to remove the lumps and time consuming (hot showers, squeezing, excessive pumping, painful massage and so on). On top of that the pump I was using had a smaller opening that did not match my nipple size so my nipples were very irritated from the rubbing. When Victor was feeding, his latching was not good (he would only get my nipple in his mouth) so my nipples were also cracked and painful to touch.
Then I read online that there are two types of milk within the breast. One that came out first, and the second one was deeper into the breast. Well if he never got to the second one (he would fall asleep on my breast and was never draining all the milk out) then he was not receiving the full advantage and nutrition from my milk.
On week 3 I got mastitis (infection from a clogged duck) that comes with pain and fever. I went to the ER room and was prescribed an antibiotic. With the antibiotic my milk irritated Victor's tummy and he was cramping and crying a lot. I began using the frozen milk of my over supply I had saved from the first week. I also bought a wider pump opening which did assist with my nipples but the suction itself to pull the milk out was still unpleasant.
At this point I began considering moving on to formula.
I was getting really irritated with all the pain, not enough sleep and baby crying because he was in pain. I had it! I had to look at what was practical for both of us.
If I was "unhappy" with myself than I can't take proper care of Victor. Walking around in pain all the time was not making a "happy mommy".
I had to make a decision. One that disappointed my mom but I had to do what needed to be done to support my body so that I can support Victor.
About 2 days ago I stopped pumping. I decided to use the time I was on antibiotic to stop the milk without risking an infection. My breast got really full and painful. I was leaking milk out, my nipples were tingling. I was taking Tylenol for the pain. The following day breast were in less pain, but still engorged.  Today is day three. Breast still engorged. Pain is less, milk has stopped leaking from my right one. I am not sure how long it will take me to dry milk out, but at least I know that this pain will not return and the milk will dry out. It is great not worry about pumping and when the next engorgement will happen, or lump, or infection.
I am in the process of trying out different formula. I am trying out Similac for gas and fuzziness.
Victor seems to have lots of gas (which is normal for infants for the first 3 months) and he cries a lot when he is cramping. I give him tummy massages (about all I can do). And as soon as the breast pain is gone, I can be more active, enjoy myself with Victor, hold him better (due to pain I have been avoiding to hold him, only during feedings). And I get my body back.

I don't regret my decision. My starting point is to look for what is best for both of us to function well.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

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Follow up on Immunizations Fear!

After posting my concern on the facebook page I got some responses from people. This one is from Anna Brix Thomsen


"Suggest to look at common sense. Simply ask the basic questions to self -- what is immunizations? Why are they said to be required? Can I trust this information? Where is this information coming from? What will happen if I don't do it? What do I see would be best in common sense?
Also what would be cool is to look at your own starting-point within how you see these points so that you can in fact bring these decisions back to self in self-trust and self-direction. There is a lot of shitty information that is placed only with the purpose of manipulating through fear, so best to stand firm in self-honesty as self-support. And simply look at common sense."

So let's look at my starting point or attitude towards immunizations based on what I have read. The starting point is fear. Fear that immunizations will somehow damage my child. Fear of the unknown content in the immunizations that is placed. Fear that immunizations are deliberately set up to harm the future generations. This is all taken from reading controversial information online.
Can I trust the "people" that made the vaccines. I don't know. I don't know these people, I don't know their starting point in creating the vaccine.
What will happen if I do not vaccinate my child? He will not be able to join "society" or the system because I cannot send him to school or childcare. Will I need to send him in those institutions? Yes, because I cannot afford home school, and I do need to eventually return back to working.
What are the chances of immunizations damaging my child? I don't know and I suppose I will not know unless I get to see both sides of my child having the immunizations and not having them. However that is not possible because once I chose one path there is no turning the time backwards to check the other option.
So I have decided that I will allow the immunizations however at a spread amount of time.
I think that our body, especially an infant's body needs time to respond and having more than one vaccination done at the time may overwhelm the body. So a slow approach would be assisting.
I've also worked on my fear of vaccines.

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Breast Pumping Frustrations

(this by the way is the exact pump I have)


Since we brought Victor home it has been great except the part where I have constant interrupted sleep.
I am pumping and giving him bottle with breast milk. I must say pumping is even more frustrating than the interrupted sleep at night or having to feed Victor every 3 hours. Such a huge dependency.
I decided on pumping to give breast milk instead of formula. But I didn't realize that it would be so frustrating. It hurts my nipples, my boobs become so puffy and engorged when they feel up and I have to pump every 3 hours otherwise I get these lumps in my breast where the milk clogs up and it can lead to an infection called mastitis. The lumps are painful. Needless to say my breast are in some constant pain over the day and night. On top of that I have more milk than what he eats that I don't know what to do with. I have been storing it in the freezer but how much space will I need? I know that breast milk is preferred to formula but this constant breast irritation is not helping me to handle myself. I've already had the thoughts of my milk to stop coming.
The pumping process is quite frustrating itself as well. I have to lean forward for 20 mins, while the pump sucks the milk out through my nipples as it pulls them in they hurt. Because of my leaning forward position my back starts to hurt. Then it's putting the milk away, rinsing the equipment. By the time I am done I have to feed Victor, who takes like 30 mins to eat his 3 oz bottle. Than dipper change (on top of that he somehow wets himself when he pees, so now it's a whole outfit change). Doing this repeatedly over the day while fitting my normal schedule in and SLEEP....can be pretty frustrating.
I noticed that breastfeeding makes me very thirsty, so I am constantly looking for things to drink and they have to be cold. My eating schedule is off as well. I have been getting stomachaches especially over night time since I wake up and I am hungry but don't have time to eat myself.
It has been 3 weeks now and I am overall frustrated especially with the pumping sessions.
What I find interesting is that some people that have very low breast milk supply would "kill" to have more. And I went online looking for ways to lower my milk supply, however most sites that pooped up were how to increase milk supply. At a good pump session I can pull out up to 8 oz, and he at the moment only drinks 3 oz.

I came across a website that sells different opening for the pump. Apparently there are different sizes. I wondered if the size I have is too small for my nipples since it keeps rubbing them on the sides and irritates the hell out of them. I ordered the kit. This is the website: http://www.pumpinpal.com/
I have not received it yet but will share my results once I try it out.

To add to this frustration, I have figured out that I just want my body back to myself. I spend nine months in pregnancy and being cautious with food, drinks, going out, moving myself around. Now after delivery my vagina is healing, which I have to wait for before engaging in sex again. It has been forever since I have been able to enjoy sexual intercourse because of the pregnancy, now the healing process. And the boobs filling with milk every 3 hours causing a huge body discomfort are not very pleasurable to touch which is somewhat of a turn off to sex because it's painful. So yea, having my body back to myself would be great.

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Baby taking over!

Yesterday night James and I went out to eat. We picked up two other people and headed towards the restaurant. It was late, around 10:30pm and I was thrown off my baby schedule. I was tired, hungry, sleepy.
My driving reactions were not functioning well. I almost ran a red light, cut off some people and was speeding. I was afraid to leave Victor for too long, in case he woke up and started crying. I didn't want Lana (James mom) to have to get up since we didn't really make arrangement for her to watch him. I decided we can use the time while he was sleeping to go out.
So I was driving and gave into the guilt and fear of Victor waking up. I was speeding, and basically driving like a "jerk". In the process endangering the people in the car and myself.
We got off to the place and James said that if I was to be driving like an idiot, he will not let Victor in the car with me driving.
I immediately experienced feeling bad and overwhelmed. I wanted to start crying but I held it in. I knew he was right in saying that. I apologiesed and said I was tired and sleepy. He said that I should have told him that and let him drive.
While at the restaurant all I kept thinking was about Victor and him waking up, us not being there, if he is hungry or not....this child is already "controlling" me..LoL I kept looking at the clock. I kept looking for our waitress to hurry up. I just couldn't relax and enjoy myself or the food. That sucks.

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Victor's First Doctor's Visit

Yesterday I went to the doctor for Victor's first visit. They checked him and said everything looked fine. Then they said they will give him the first series of the Hepatitis B shots. Now, I am not a very big fan of immunizations, especially with all the shots drama going on around that it can damage children and so on.
I had denied the shot at the hospital (they wanted to give it to a day old baby).
But apparently I had to say yes to this one. I began to cry as the nurse stuck the needle in Victor's tiny leg and he screamed out and began to cry. My thoughts were "what the fuck are they putting in him?, "why so early"? It was like I was helpless and couldn't do anything about it while this person so injecting my baby.
I came out of the office and was really upset. What shots are fine to give, what shots are not? How do I make these decisions when I myself don't know anything about immunizations and what stuff they have in there.
How do I make the correct decision. Obviously I have also had these immunizations. I remember running away from the nurse, and they had to chase me down in first grade. And in third grade I decided I will be brave and took a shot in my shoulder. I remember I was so proud of myself that I didn't cry or was scared of the shot.

I was told there may be mild side effects like fever and so on, so I had to stop by the pharmacy and get medicine for fevers in infants.
So how do immunizations work? We get infected with the virus in a small degree that gives our body enough time to create the white blood cells to fight the and kill the virus off. So when we are actually exposed to the virus in our lives our body knows it and it can fight it better. I understand this part. I see the sense in this, especially with dangerous viruses that can fail the body if the body is not immune to it already. But are really ALL shots needed. For simple viruses, we can get sick and our body will build its defense system that way. The other thing to look at is the age. If an infant gets a virus that we as adults can easily overcome, they may not be able to because they are so little.
Children do tent to get sick A LOT....but it is part of the process of building their immune system.

I don't know where I stand on this topic. I do know that I am not too thrilled to look at Victor getting poked with viruses....
I need more info on the topic.
Here are some website I visit:
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/spec-grps/hcp/downloads/vacsafe-understand-color-office.pdf
Of course this info comes from the Center of Disease Control.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/226275-what-are-the-dangers-of-infant-vaccinations/
http://www.thinktwice.com/hepb.htm
Controversial Article about shots.

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Dealing with Transition

I have noticed that I don't do very well with transition times.
What I have been experiencing during my pregnancy as well as the fact that I have to move and arrange all baby things combined with school and work and so on has been one BIG transition period that I have allowed to be bothered by and have allowed to experience as instability.
Perhaps I view transition periods as unstable, as a time frame where I have to have everything done and set fast, or I begin to feel unstable within my world leading to stress that I cause upon myself.
Perhaps it is also the TIME itself that I don't see as being enough for me to be able to move within the transition period to take care of things.
The result is I would get annoyed at work, I would get frustrated with school work, I would get impatient with the moving process, I would get irritated and uneasy with my pregnancy. I would get stuck on a place where I feel caged up and the only thing to look forward is the end of the transition period where everything would be settled down and I can relax. The problem here however is that I am not living HERE for the obvious self created reasons. That is a huge self blockage within my process with no advancement towards re-birthing self in the physical.
So let's look at my issue of transition periods:
-I see instability
-I see not enough time
-Transitions are instability
-Transition is change towards something I may like or may dislike
-I feel that I have no control over transition periods when it comes to self movement

What I need to realize is that:
-Transitions are a process of moving from one point to another
-Life itself is a "transition" that constantly moves
-Transition is change from one place to another and it is required in order to move as self in the small scale and on the big scale
-Transition is a form of preparation from the place I am "leaving" to the place I am "arriving". Just like seasons, temperatures change
-Without transition things become stale because there is no movement
-Without transition the things that change would appear very rigid, fast, unprepared, without a "warning"
-Transition is a cushion
-I can enjoy transition periods as they are part of my process of self movement, and breath in each moment

So SF is being done in this moment to address my fear of transition periods.

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Rude Experience at my Observations

This semester I am taking Infant/Toddler and Kindergarten Curriculum. Part of the grade is to observe 10 hours in Infant/Toddler and 15 hours at Kindergarten. I have been observing each semester for one class I take and I have never come up against a rude person like this center director before.

I will not go into details to what the circumstances are regarding her behavior but this director simply speaks with attitude towards the students that come to observe in her daycare center. It turns out I was not the only one who had issues with her, but I am partly responsible for her sending an email to our teacher and the dean of the university claiming that we, the students have been unprofessional in her center. 

We were cut off from observing for a week until we discussed the issues with our teacher today. Apparently the center director sent out the email and in result got our teacher in trouble. After discussing the issues that arose from the perspective of the center director (that made us unprofessional in her eyes) it was concluded that there was a huge mis-communication and certain expectations that the director thought we should follow but never mentioned to us on the first place. Apart from the mis-communication, however I still would say she was simply rude and there was no need for her to behave the way she did. So as far as being unprofessional I would say she needs to look at herself and how the whole situation reflected herself. 

However this post is about my reflection and not hers. I was upset at her rudeness towards me and did end up giving her attitude back (which is probably what caused the follow up email to our teacher and dean). 

My intention was to speak up for myself but I guess it turned out to be out of reaction to her rudeness so the consequences were getting everyone in trouble. We were advised from our teacher (who saw our side and certainly knew this director's personality) to simply follow the requested directions and avoid confrontations that would end up hurting our "school record" reputation that we are evaluated on every semester. 

Part of the lesson learned here is that when there is broken communication and assumptions the results cannot be good. The other part of the lesson was to see if it is worth speaking out in that particular moment when the position I hold is put in jeopardy because someone with more "power" can ruin my semester and grade simply because I acted out in defense. Perhaps a smarter decision would be to speak out when my school record does not depend on what this woman says about me. A third lesson is that speaking out of a reaction will cause the other person (who does not know any better) to react as well. So my approach in standing up for myself should have been without reacting to her.

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Pocky Sticks

Yesterday James and I went out to eat at this Chinese/Japanese place (Red Lantern). It seems to be "family owned restaurant". We ordered the dinner for two, which is a sweet deal as we get soup, appetizer, dinner and desert. I ordered a desert called "Pocky Ice Cream". For those who don't know "Pocky" is a Japanese snack that comes in different flavors.

When I received my desert I began laughing because their "Pocky Ice Cream" was not what I expected. I ordered the vanilla flavor and I received two plain vanilla scoops with ONE tiny pocky stick wannabe. I can't recall the last time I had a good laugh. I couldn't believe that they would call this "pocky ice cream".
The point of this occurrence was that I really need to laugh more often and be alive!
Another point to mention was the conversation I had with James which was a point of self reflection. He told me that when he had met me I was refusing to shop at Walmart and was big on organic "Whole Foods" purchases. I remembered what he was talking about. I remember having this wave of trying to Boycott Walmart and saw non-organic food as less than organic food. I told James about this point and then I pointed out that I am still against Walmart's dirty business however as of the current system boycotting one place changes nothing, and it certainly does not change the fact of "money" and how everything in Capitalism is set up to reflect people's economic stability thus shopping at Walmart is almost forced upon people who need to spend less money in order to survive within the current money system. So refusing or pulling back from certain stores isn't the effective way when it comes to the bigger picture. I told James that in order for a change to take place we must change the whole system itself, not try to change bits of the system that in the long run have no impact. We must move as a whole!

Perhaps then I would be getting a cheap pocky ice-cream that is expensive to purchase... :)


That is why supporting the emergence of the Equal Money System is the only support I can truly give. And being part of Desteni is the best decision I have made in order to support self and the bigger picture as that self. There is no turning back, only moving forward!

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Unable to Speak

After talking to Sunette regarding my last post "When I cry" we came to the conclusion that I have a problem when being confronted or enter a conflict with another. When an event like that occurs I tent to withdraw from standing up because I want to avoid being in a conflict with another. What this results in is accumulating mind energy within me (back chat and suppression) leading to me crying as a form of physical release.
I noticed that I have always cried when being upset which means I am unstable within myself to make any common sense responses regarding the issue I am facing. This puts me in a loop every time. I have also created a blockage for myself because inside me I want to communicate the related points but I can't speak them out. Which in terms puts me in a self sabotage point.
"Sunette Spies: So - it's extensive fear that manifests in a moment of facing the conflict, and instead of facing/walking through the fear - the crying them comes to not face the fear and manipulate yourself with the other person so the moment can stop and be suppressed."
I can recall this point of suppression and fear of facing manifesting in past relationships and particularly within a time when I have been called stupid, when my word was not taken into consideration, when I have not been heard by another when I had something to say or when someone has disregarded my words and said I was wrong. I face this point til this day with certain individuals in my world. So this can only mean that this point is eager to come out and be faced no matter how many times I suppress it.
"I wish the other can understand what I am saying" is a common thought that comes up when this point manifests in my life. Which indicates that I am not willing to walk the line and effort of showing the other individual what I am saying. And if it is not understood by the other I need to understand that they are not ready to physically comprehend the essence of what I have said. And I need to understand that point without getting upset at the other for not comprehending me.
What I experience within when I cry is a form of betrayal. As if the other person has betrayed me so deep that after becoming upset I begin to feel self pity. I mean this point is quite extensive in various layers. I feel it energetically as I cry and it I feel how my anger transforms into self pity. I physically experience it as hot and cold flashes.

In a solution while speaking with Sunette regarding this point, I have to view my trust in speaking. Meaning that a layer of why I cannot speak is because I don't trust myself with speaking on the first place. Where this becomes prevalent in a conflict is that my words come out as a reaction rather than a stability point. This leaves me with talking "gibberish" rather than saying and presenting a common sense perspective within the conflict.

More to come as I look at this point!!!!

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When I Cry!

I have noticed that every time I am upset, angry, sad, helpless, misunderstood my final "explosion" is to cry.
When I am in this moment of crying I notice I am unable to speak, explain myself to the reasons why I am crying. I find it hard to voice myself because I am in an emotional state. However, at the same time in that emotional state while crying I am able to explain everything to myself within that moment as I am experiencing all the reasons to why I am crying. They are thoughts that have no particular order to how they come out, I can't distinguish my real reason from the ones I end up making up in my head. So when I try voicing my reasons for crying (when someone asks me why am I crying) my words are distorted and what comes out seems to make no sense to the person I am talking to.  I cry and I want to be alone to cry it out, but then again I want someone to see me cry so that they know something is not Ok, because in after the fact moment of me crying, all the things I wanted to say but I couldn't are just not there. The whole reason shifts and then I say "well I have nothing to say". But I do have something to say because the issue has not been cleared up. I just can't seem to express it when I am crying and don't seem to be able to express it after I am done crying. So the next time I cry again.
This is the cycle of accumulating mind energy through what happens in my "world", how I am not able to handle the situations with clarity and at the end it explodes in crying so that the accumulated energy can be released. However this does not solve the initial issue where I am in a self confused state. So let's try this in writing.

The latest example is an event that is occurring with my parents and the consequences of them splitting up, both moving out of the house they bought together leaving my brother, me, the 3 cats and James to live in the house. Both paying their portions of the house that is not sell-able at the moment. Both wasting their money paying for the place they no longer live in. And my dad realizes that there is no reason to pay for a place that he no longer lives in. I see that perspective. But I also see our (mine, brother, James) perceptive that as owners of the house my mom and dad still have a financial responsibility. The thing that upsets me the most is that no one is considering the 3 cats in their "decisions". I mean obviously James and I (and Victor) can move into his parents, but the cats will be hard to keep there. My brother can move with my mom, or he has been considering moving out on his own. On top of that my grandma is pushing on coming here again for another 6 months. She has been "pain in the ass" last time she visited. If she comes she will have to stay with us in the house granted we can still live here. However she becomes our responsibility because there is no room for her where my dad moved out to. My mom will not take her because she is my dad's mother. We (me, brother, James) don't necessarily want to responsible for her coming here. My dad is looking into buying another house to live with his girlfriend and bring my grandma with him but what sense does that make when he already has the house we live in. We can't all fit in it, and it will not be a good idea given the different people that don't seem to get along per say. This situation is driving me crazy, it is not resolving. I don't have control over the decisions being taken by my parents. James and my brother refuse to pay for the house because it is too high of a payment and my brother can always move in with my mom and me and  James with his parents. And again "Where do my cats go?" This whole thing is becoming too complicated.
If I had the money to move out with my cats, James and Victor (coming up baby) and the rest everyone can resolve between them.
I mean.... What is the best way to resolve this situation. Everyone is pulling their way:
My grandma pushing to come here.
My dad pushing on buying a new house and refusing to pay for the one he already owns.
My brother wanting to move out as well if my grandma comes and has the opportunity to move in with my mom, does not want to pay for the house we live in.
James does not want to pay for the house we live in when he can move back to his parents BUT I have to come with him=we are to raise a child now. And he is also not very fond of my grandma coming here as well.
My mom is already paying for the house she bought with her boyfriend.
MY 3 CATS NEED A HOME that is WITH ME because they are my responsibility and I refuse to "abandon" them.
I would like to be with James and the cats and Victor wherever we end up going.
James mom allergic to cats and already have a dog=if we move there we are going to be 6 people, 1 dog and 3 cats- in a town house! What sense does that make?

So what is the best solution here?
It is not a good time for my grandma to be coming here. She can wait til my dad is ready to take her into his responsibility.
The house can go on foreclosure at which point we still have some time to live in here before deciding to get our own place or rather I need to finish my school, get my teacher job and then James and I can talk about moving on our own.
The cats are staying with us (James and me).
My brother moves in with my mom or gets his own place.

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On the hot SPOT!

Yesterday there was a mother touring the daycare center for her toddler son. I was in the infant's room towards the end of the day. My director came in with the mother and said that the mother wanted to meet the toddler teacher (that would be me). All of the sudden I was put on the spot to answer "21 questions" about myself as a teacher and what I can offer her son if he was to come to my room. I felt "on the hot spot". First, no mother has done that before (that I have came across by). Second, I froze because I did not expect to be interviewed by a parent about my job. Third, apparently I looked really nervous (as my director told me later).
So here is what I experienced during from within:
1.  Hot flashes of embarrassment all over my body because I didn't know what to respond to the mother.
2. I felt unprepared thus I didn't know how to respond.
3. I had to make up what I said because I was "pleasing" the mother with responses she would have liked to hear.
4. When asked "what is the one thing I love about my job" I paused and in my head I was blanked. What IS the one thing I like about my job? I have been so disengaged in my job for some time because of issues with organization within the company and how things are handled. I have felt like I just don't want to be there to begin with. Everyday I go there, the best time is when children are going home. I have been easily annoyed with children's behaviors...and so on. So what response was I to give the mother...LoL. That I hated this place?

When the mother left and I realized all these points especially the last one (which in reality caused the other 3 points to come out as they did)- that was an embarrassment of itself for myself. How can I call myself a "teacher"? Where has my "passion" for teaching gone, my self expression with the children, with willing to teach, show, demonstrate! This is a serious point to look at. I mean I chose this profession (programmed way or not). I was self driven, open and dedicated to bring myself to the classroom, to come to the classroom and give what I would give myself as a student, what I would give myself to my child and to all children as myself. After all that is "what is best for all", that is equality and oness, caring equally-waking up and being exited about coming to the classroom.
Where did I get discouraged down the way? Was it the disappointment of limitation about what I can bring to the classroom environment, set up the classroom environment? Is it that I feel useless, annoyed with children's behavior, having to correct behavior without knowing how to approach it? Is it leaving work "miserable" because in reality I have not accomplished anything? Is it that I simply have given up on myself thus given up on everything else that I touch? Is it that my day just moves by with no visible self progress?

It is all of the above and more, and these points, perspectives are entwined, feeding off one another. So what can I do? There is one key point that if worked on it will "delete" all others by default. So what is the key point? What is the "me" point that I am facing here? The rest is a simple outflow.
-Self effectiveness
-Self progress
-Who am I as the expression of a teacher?
-Self enjoyment

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2012 How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message!

It is as simple as having your ears open and be actually ready to accept that there is another way to life that is NOT the product of abuse, suffering and survival.
The most important thing that clicked to me is that we create through our participation. I was able to see how participation in Religion, Sects, Wars, Capitalism, Communism, Spirituality, all the "isms" and so on is creating polarity of inferior and superior, a huge separation. I was able to see that this polarity is deliberately in place so that few can have and many can suffer, including animals and plants. I was able to see that none of this actually makes sense in what life should be because Earth offers its resources to us for everyone to share and co-exists. Life was "given" to everyone/thing equally, thus the rights for existing in the physical must be shared equally. I was able to see that it is ridiculously idiotic to believe in "life after death" from the perspective that we return to a "heaven" in some other dimension and NOT realize that life is actually HERE in the physical, that Earth is our "heaven"/home and we are destroying the very dimension that allows us to breathe and experience life in the physical. I saw that instead of worrying about some accession, acceptance of GOD or salvation, we should be seriously be worried about what we do to ourselves, to our existence NOW, to Earth, to each other and how we live with what has been offered for us HERE.
When the idea about the Equal Money System was suggested I immediately saw that it is the best idea ever suggested simply because the starting point was that of "what is best for all", rather than "how can we fuck over the next guy". In that moment I realized that YES everything we create does revolve around money and we have allowed money to be OUR GOD. We have allowed to place value in an object/means of exchange over the value of a life, over the value of what the psychical has to offer us....ALL of us. I looked at how money/gold has held the power and control over the centuries. I looked at the stupidity people have done til this day over money. We have agreed money to be our survival point, which is a huge mistake. So YES when Equal Money was suggested, there was no turning back=this is the answer to creating "heaven" on Earth.
Another important point that was presented to me at Desteni that I was able to hear is "Change begins with ourselves". It is to accept that we have fucked up and not just complain about it BUT actually DO something about it. I was able to open up to myself and look at myself, my life self honestly. Where, What, How, When and Why I participated in deception, what my starting point is in participating in anything for that matter. How to handle myself in future participation, how to make sure that I am stable, that I am clear about my starting point in participation within this world! What is important that supports the common good of all and what supports self interest. I was able to understand the principle of what Desteni stands for and work on myself to stand with that PRINCIPLE. One can name this "principle" many things: "Place yourself in the shoes of another"; "Do onto another as you want done to yourself"; "Love thy neighbor"; "Oness and Equality".....and so on. The bottom line is that principle is valid in all ways which is my validation of what is real.
Desteni is a group of people who see and realize the above mentioned points AND more. It is a group that sees behind the veil of deception and it is ready to offer a solution to everyone. One just needs to have their ears open and be ready to face the truth! There is NO room for EGO. If you have the EGO you will be blocked to hearing anything on the first place.
So for those who are ready, please join us in this transformational self process we as a group have taken into our hands. Be part of the solution!

Art Work by: Ann Van Den Broeck

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

On My Agenda.....

I woke up today, a nice snowy and cold Saturday morning. And the usual question popped in my head: "What is on my agenda today?" I always see things that need to be done however never seem to get to them entirely.
It's just like a thought- thinking of doing something and that is where it stays. There is no movement or action taken about it. At the end nothing of what I had intended to do gets actually done, leaving me unsatisfied with myself for not moving myself throughout the "agenda". Why does this happen? Or rather: why do I allow and accept this everyday? Have I become that lazy? Or rather: have I become that disorganized within myself that I can't carry myself through a daily task that needs attention, taking care of. Why do I NEED that extra push from life (circumstances, consequences, or other people) to move myself? Waiting, waiting....as the collective overview of humanity coming on an individual programmed level (waiting for something to push us to live, a savior, a miracle, an angel). Really, there is a time to "lay low" and a time to move and be active. However I often find myself "laying low", waiting on how things will turn out, on what will push me move myself throughout the day. It's like I am dead....or zombified rather. That is the organic robot part of us that simply carries on throughout the day, sleep walking, thinking, feeling, reacting to emotions, mind controlled.. Saying: "Well I wanted to do this", "Well I was going to do this but....", "Well I am so tired I will do it tomorrow", "Ahhh, do I have to get out of bed and go to work?...." And the physical moves forward while we are blindly moving within the physical, not even realizing that we are here because of the physical. However we don't have any respect for the physical because we are sleeping walking our lives, as the time passes you turn around and say "Where did my life go?" All those moment of enjoyment I missed because I wasn't even aware I was supposed to enjoy each moment. Not the final result but rather the whole process towards the final result.
So I am setting some goals for myself. A goal is a simple plan that involves point A to point B and everything in between. It is essential that in the "between" part is NOT missed, because a goal is a process and a process is each moment of passing time. "What did I do today?" This I must be able to answer with self satisfaction. This I must be able to answer with: Today I focused on this and that and I was able to create the time and enjoy the time of whatever task is it that I assigned myself to do today".
So the first step to my agenda is well, starting to move myself in perceptive of what needs to be done, what I need to do for myself, what to do with others. Enough time wasting!
Writing simply daily tasks should be assisting. That way I can see in in front of me, plan the approx time and then simply enjoy. There is no rush but there better be a movement...hehe


For more information of how to become alive in the physical visit:

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

There you will find tools of self support and common sense as well as the first steps to realizing "holy shit, you have been a "zombie" pretty much all your life!"