Accepting Motherhood

It's been a 5 weeks since Victor was born. Since working in a daycare center with infants and toddlers I had the experience and attitude of a person who is a secondary caregiver. When I first held Victor even though he had just came out of me I had the same "feeling", as in I associated me holding him just like a second caregiver.

Let me define second caregiver: Someone who is taking care of a child when the parents (first caregivers) cannot be present. Someone who is temporarily available to be here when the parents cannot be. Someone who sees the child in a segment of a day and in all actuality does not have the full responsibility of taking care of this child. Someone who is not responsible for providing food, clothing, diapers, and shelter.
As a teacher I am providing education and a safe environment and the opportunity to expand where parents cannot. But as a mother I provide much, much more, from financial support to education support and developmental support so that the child has the opportunity to grow up in an open and self exploratory environment.

As the weeks passed I continued to have the attitude of a second caregiver. I was not accepting "motherhood".
I have heard of people say that the moment they hold their baby they experience a special bond with their newborn. Whether that is real or an experience in the mind, I did not experience this initial "bonding".

Accepting that I am a mother means that I have this whole other responsibility other than myself. A being who is dependent on me completely for the moment as he grows to be independent and self sufficient in many ways through the years. A being whom I have to teach to be self responsible within the physical in a world that is full of irresponsibility. A being whom I have to teach self responsibility when I myself have not accepted responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within this world of irresponsibility.

Accepting motherhood means that I need to accept a responsibility that I am refusing and rejecting to accept.
I can also see that I am separating myself from Victor. Children are a copy of ourselves and thus will carry certain programming that we as parents have. This programming will become more prevalent as the child grows up and it will appear to show us as parents what we need to work on, what we need to self forgive so that we can emerge as beings who are self directive and responsible in order to create a responsible world. So even though he is a separate being from me, in many ways he a mix of myself and his father. Accepting the responsibility for Victor would mean that I have to accept the responsibility for myself. And I was not ready to do that yet. I am aware that it takes time and I am certain I will not fail myself.
I notice that the word "responsibility" comes up within this blog and my sentences a lot.
"Responsibility" has been a big point that I am walking through. It seems to be embedded within me through my personality design, that of a passive personality and personality that relays on others majority of the time, which means that I am clearly not self directive 100% .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rejecting becoming a mother because I am rejecting to accept the full responsibility for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject reject the full responsibility for another being because I am rejecting to accept full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject full responsibility for myself because I am not self motivated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being self motivated because in majority of the time  I relay on others to take care of me and accept the responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relay on others because this is something I have done all my life as a personality programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on this personality programming because that would take time and effort and self motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self motivated because I expect others to push me to be self motivated. I expect that others

Today I am accepting motherhood in the sense of accepting responsibility for another being as myself.
I am accepting to take care of another being as I take care of myself.  I am accepting to push through my programming as I would assist and support to push through Victor's programming (which in fact is mine).

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Stopping Breastfeeding

A couple of days ago I decided that I am stopping breastfeeding. Victor is almost 1 month old now so I was able to give him breast milk for about 1 month. I guess better than nothing.

I had to look at this from a practical perspective. I wanted to breastfeed on the first place because this is what is "natural". Also I received somewhat of a pressure from my mom who assumed I will be breastfeeding for at least 6 months. I understand that breast milk is a better option for baby's, I mean it is "natural" milk that is produced and it is full of nutrients that can be hard to imitate with formula. I wanted to breast feed Victor with the starting point that breast milk is better than formula.
Now a days there are many reasons to why a mother would use formula. One reason would be not being able to produce breast milk or not being able to make enough. Another is returning to work and not being full time with the baby to breast feed.
My reason was PAIN!
When I was at the hospital, the nurse told me to pump so that I can establish my milk supply. So I pumped and pumped. The colostrum (first stage of milk) came out right away after delivery. It was very little per pumping. A couple of days later my breast became full and heavy and the breast milk began to come. With every pump I made about 6 ounces. Victor was able to drink about 2 ounces. I didn't know it yet but I was making more that needed. I think it may have been the pumping I did because the more I pumped the more I told my body to make more (supply and demand). However Victor's demand was only 2-3 ounces per feeding at about 2.5 to 3 hours. My initial milk was good because I was able to eat nutritiously. So the first week was good.
Soon I realized what I pain it is to pump and breast feed especially at night when I began getting interrupted sleep. It wasn't so much for Victor waking up (he woke up only one time to feed at 3 am) but the fact that I still had to pump to empty my breast because if I don't they become full and painful. Well I began skipping pumping at 3 hours and I pumped at 5 hour at night, whenever I woke up or Victor woke up. This lead to my breast becoming really full and I got some lumps called duck clogs. Which meant that the milk I didn't pump out on time got clogged up. In week 2 I started getting the lumps. My mom and Lana were helping to "milk me out". So I would sit there while pumping and one of them would squeeze my breast to release the lump. I was fine with the first lump however not so happy with the next 3 I got. I would get one every other day. It was a painful process to remove the lumps and time consuming (hot showers, squeezing, excessive pumping, painful massage and so on). On top of that the pump I was using had a smaller opening that did not match my nipple size so my nipples were very irritated from the rubbing. When Victor was feeding, his latching was not good (he would only get my nipple in his mouth) so my nipples were also cracked and painful to touch.
Then I read online that there are two types of milk within the breast. One that came out first, and the second one was deeper into the breast. Well if he never got to the second one (he would fall asleep on my breast and was never draining all the milk out) then he was not receiving the full advantage and nutrition from my milk.
On week 3 I got mastitis (infection from a clogged duck) that comes with pain and fever. I went to the ER room and was prescribed an antibiotic. With the antibiotic my milk irritated Victor's tummy and he was cramping and crying a lot. I began using the frozen milk of my over supply I had saved from the first week. I also bought a wider pump opening which did assist with my nipples but the suction itself to pull the milk out was still unpleasant.
At this point I began considering moving on to formula.
I was getting really irritated with all the pain, not enough sleep and baby crying because he was in pain. I had it! I had to look at what was practical for both of us.
If I was "unhappy" with myself than I can't take proper care of Victor. Walking around in pain all the time was not making a "happy mommy".
I had to make a decision. One that disappointed my mom but I had to do what needed to be done to support my body so that I can support Victor.
About 2 days ago I stopped pumping. I decided to use the time I was on antibiotic to stop the milk without risking an infection. My breast got really full and painful. I was leaking milk out, my nipples were tingling. I was taking Tylenol for the pain. The following day breast were in less pain, but still engorged.  Today is day three. Breast still engorged. Pain is less, milk has stopped leaking from my right one. I am not sure how long it will take me to dry milk out, but at least I know that this pain will not return and the milk will dry out. It is great not worry about pumping and when the next engorgement will happen, or lump, or infection.
I am in the process of trying out different formula. I am trying out Similac for gas and fuzziness.
Victor seems to have lots of gas (which is normal for infants for the first 3 months) and he cries a lot when he is cramping. I give him tummy massages (about all I can do). And as soon as the breast pain is gone, I can be more active, enjoy myself with Victor, hold him better (due to pain I have been avoiding to hold him, only during feedings). And I get my body back.

I don't regret my decision. My starting point is to look for what is best for both of us to function well.

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Follow up on Immunizations Fear!

After posting my concern on the facebook page I got some responses from people. This one is from Anna Brix Thomsen


"Suggest to look at common sense. Simply ask the basic questions to self -- what is immunizations? Why are they said to be required? Can I trust this information? Where is this information coming from? What will happen if I don't do it? What do I see would be best in common sense?
Also what would be cool is to look at your own starting-point within how you see these points so that you can in fact bring these decisions back to self in self-trust and self-direction. There is a lot of shitty information that is placed only with the purpose of manipulating through fear, so best to stand firm in self-honesty as self-support. And simply look at common sense."

So let's look at my starting point or attitude towards immunizations based on what I have read. The starting point is fear. Fear that immunizations will somehow damage my child. Fear of the unknown content in the immunizations that is placed. Fear that immunizations are deliberately set up to harm the future generations. This is all taken from reading controversial information online.
Can I trust the "people" that made the vaccines. I don't know. I don't know these people, I don't know their starting point in creating the vaccine.
What will happen if I do not vaccinate my child? He will not be able to join "society" or the system because I cannot send him to school or childcare. Will I need to send him in those institutions? Yes, because I cannot afford home school, and I do need to eventually return back to working.
What are the chances of immunizations damaging my child? I don't know and I suppose I will not know unless I get to see both sides of my child having the immunizations and not having them. However that is not possible because once I chose one path there is no turning the time backwards to check the other option.
So I have decided that I will allow the immunizations however at a spread amount of time.
I think that our body, especially an infant's body needs time to respond and having more than one vaccination done at the time may overwhelm the body. So a slow approach would be assisting.
I've also worked on my fear of vaccines.

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Breast Pumping Frustrations

(this by the way is the exact pump I have)


Since we brought Victor home it has been great except the part where I have constant interrupted sleep.
I am pumping and giving him bottle with breast milk. I must say pumping is even more frustrating than the interrupted sleep at night or having to feed Victor every 3 hours. Such a huge dependency.
I decided on pumping to give breast milk instead of formula. But I didn't realize that it would be so frustrating. It hurts my nipples, my boobs become so puffy and engorged when they feel up and I have to pump every 3 hours otherwise I get these lumps in my breast where the milk clogs up and it can lead to an infection called mastitis. The lumps are painful. Needless to say my breast are in some constant pain over the day and night. On top of that I have more milk than what he eats that I don't know what to do with. I have been storing it in the freezer but how much space will I need? I know that breast milk is preferred to formula but this constant breast irritation is not helping me to handle myself. I've already had the thoughts of my milk to stop coming.
The pumping process is quite frustrating itself as well. I have to lean forward for 20 mins, while the pump sucks the milk out through my nipples as it pulls them in they hurt. Because of my leaning forward position my back starts to hurt. Then it's putting the milk away, rinsing the equipment. By the time I am done I have to feed Victor, who takes like 30 mins to eat his 3 oz bottle. Than dipper change (on top of that he somehow wets himself when he pees, so now it's a whole outfit change). Doing this repeatedly over the day while fitting my normal schedule in and SLEEP....can be pretty frustrating.
I noticed that breastfeeding makes me very thirsty, so I am constantly looking for things to drink and they have to be cold. My eating schedule is off as well. I have been getting stomachaches especially over night time since I wake up and I am hungry but don't have time to eat myself.
It has been 3 weeks now and I am overall frustrated especially with the pumping sessions.
What I find interesting is that some people that have very low breast milk supply would "kill" to have more. And I went online looking for ways to lower my milk supply, however most sites that pooped up were how to increase milk supply. At a good pump session I can pull out up to 8 oz, and he at the moment only drinks 3 oz.

I came across a website that sells different opening for the pump. Apparently there are different sizes. I wondered if the size I have is too small for my nipples since it keeps rubbing them on the sides and irritates the hell out of them. I ordered the kit. This is the website: http://www.pumpinpal.com/
I have not received it yet but will share my results once I try it out.

To add to this frustration, I have figured out that I just want my body back to myself. I spend nine months in pregnancy and being cautious with food, drinks, going out, moving myself around. Now after delivery my vagina is healing, which I have to wait for before engaging in sex again. It has been forever since I have been able to enjoy sexual intercourse because of the pregnancy, now the healing process. And the boobs filling with milk every 3 hours causing a huge body discomfort are not very pleasurable to touch which is somewhat of a turn off to sex because it's painful. So yea, having my body back to myself would be great.

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Baby taking over!

Yesterday night James and I went out to eat. We picked up two other people and headed towards the restaurant. It was late, around 10:30pm and I was thrown off my baby schedule. I was tired, hungry, sleepy.
My driving reactions were not functioning well. I almost ran a red light, cut off some people and was speeding. I was afraid to leave Victor for too long, in case he woke up and started crying. I didn't want Lana (James mom) to have to get up since we didn't really make arrangement for her to watch him. I decided we can use the time while he was sleeping to go out.
So I was driving and gave into the guilt and fear of Victor waking up. I was speeding, and basically driving like a "jerk". In the process endangering the people in the car and myself.
We got off to the place and James said that if I was to be driving like an idiot, he will not let Victor in the car with me driving.
I immediately experienced feeling bad and overwhelmed. I wanted to start crying but I held it in. I knew he was right in saying that. I apologiesed and said I was tired and sleepy. He said that I should have told him that and let him drive.
While at the restaurant all I kept thinking was about Victor and him waking up, us not being there, if he is hungry or not....this child is already "controlling" me..LoL I kept looking at the clock. I kept looking for our waitress to hurry up. I just couldn't relax and enjoy myself or the food. That sucks.

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Victor's First Doctor's Visit

Yesterday I went to the doctor for Victor's first visit. They checked him and said everything looked fine. Then they said they will give him the first series of the Hepatitis B shots. Now, I am not a very big fan of immunizations, especially with all the shots drama going on around that it can damage children and so on.
I had denied the shot at the hospital (they wanted to give it to a day old baby).
But apparently I had to say yes to this one. I began to cry as the nurse stuck the needle in Victor's tiny leg and he screamed out and began to cry. My thoughts were "what the fuck are they putting in him?, "why so early"? It was like I was helpless and couldn't do anything about it while this person so injecting my baby.
I came out of the office and was really upset. What shots are fine to give, what shots are not? How do I make these decisions when I myself don't know anything about immunizations and what stuff they have in there.
How do I make the correct decision. Obviously I have also had these immunizations. I remember running away from the nurse, and they had to chase me down in first grade. And in third grade I decided I will be brave and took a shot in my shoulder. I remember I was so proud of myself that I didn't cry or was scared of the shot.

I was told there may be mild side effects like fever and so on, so I had to stop by the pharmacy and get medicine for fevers in infants.
So how do immunizations work? We get infected with the virus in a small degree that gives our body enough time to create the white blood cells to fight the and kill the virus off. So when we are actually exposed to the virus in our lives our body knows it and it can fight it better. I understand this part. I see the sense in this, especially with dangerous viruses that can fail the body if the body is not immune to it already. But are really ALL shots needed. For simple viruses, we can get sick and our body will build its defense system that way. The other thing to look at is the age. If an infant gets a virus that we as adults can easily overcome, they may not be able to because they are so little.
Children do tent to get sick A LOT....but it is part of the process of building their immune system.

I don't know where I stand on this topic. I do know that I am not too thrilled to look at Victor getting poked with viruses....
I need more info on the topic.
Here are some website I visit:
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/spec-grps/hcp/downloads/vacsafe-understand-color-office.pdf
Of course this info comes from the Center of Disease Control.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/226275-what-are-the-dangers-of-infant-vaccinations/
http://www.thinktwice.com/hepb.htm
Controversial Article about shots.

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Dealing with Transition

I have noticed that I don't do very well with transition times.
What I have been experiencing during my pregnancy as well as the fact that I have to move and arrange all baby things combined with school and work and so on has been one BIG transition period that I have allowed to be bothered by and have allowed to experience as instability.
Perhaps I view transition periods as unstable, as a time frame where I have to have everything done and set fast, or I begin to feel unstable within my world leading to stress that I cause upon myself.
Perhaps it is also the TIME itself that I don't see as being enough for me to be able to move within the transition period to take care of things.
The result is I would get annoyed at work, I would get frustrated with school work, I would get impatient with the moving process, I would get irritated and uneasy with my pregnancy. I would get stuck on a place where I feel caged up and the only thing to look forward is the end of the transition period where everything would be settled down and I can relax. The problem here however is that I am not living HERE for the obvious self created reasons. That is a huge self blockage within my process with no advancement towards re-birthing self in the physical.
So let's look at my issue of transition periods:
-I see instability
-I see not enough time
-Transitions are instability
-Transition is change towards something I may like or may dislike
-I feel that I have no control over transition periods when it comes to self movement

What I need to realize is that:
-Transitions are a process of moving from one point to another
-Life itself is a "transition" that constantly moves
-Transition is change from one place to another and it is required in order to move as self in the small scale and on the big scale
-Transition is a form of preparation from the place I am "leaving" to the place I am "arriving". Just like seasons, temperatures change
-Without transition things become stale because there is no movement
-Without transition the things that change would appear very rigid, fast, unprepared, without a "warning"
-Transition is a cushion
-I can enjoy transition periods as they are part of my process of self movement, and breath in each moment

So SF is being done in this moment to address my fear of transition periods.

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