Follow up on Immunizations Fear!

After posting my concern on the facebook page I got some responses from people. This one is from Anna Brix Thomsen


"Suggest to look at common sense. Simply ask the basic questions to self -- what is immunizations? Why are they said to be required? Can I trust this information? Where is this information coming from? What will happen if I don't do it? What do I see would be best in common sense?
Also what would be cool is to look at your own starting-point within how you see these points so that you can in fact bring these decisions back to self in self-trust and self-direction. There is a lot of shitty information that is placed only with the purpose of manipulating through fear, so best to stand firm in self-honesty as self-support. And simply look at common sense."

So let's look at my starting point or attitude towards immunizations based on what I have read. The starting point is fear. Fear that immunizations will somehow damage my child. Fear of the unknown content in the immunizations that is placed. Fear that immunizations are deliberately set up to harm the future generations. This is all taken from reading controversial information online.
Can I trust the "people" that made the vaccines. I don't know. I don't know these people, I don't know their starting point in creating the vaccine.
What will happen if I do not vaccinate my child? He will not be able to join "society" or the system because I cannot send him to school or childcare. Will I need to send him in those institutions? Yes, because I cannot afford home school, and I do need to eventually return back to working.
What are the chances of immunizations damaging my child? I don't know and I suppose I will not know unless I get to see both sides of my child having the immunizations and not having them. However that is not possible because once I chose one path there is no turning the time backwards to check the other option.
So I have decided that I will allow the immunizations however at a spread amount of time.
I think that our body, especially an infant's body needs time to respond and having more than one vaccination done at the time may overwhelm the body. So a slow approach would be assisting.
I've also worked on my fear of vaccines.

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Breast Pumping Frustrations

(this by the way is the exact pump I have)


Since we brought Victor home it has been great except the part where I have constant interrupted sleep.
I am pumping and giving him bottle with breast milk. I must say pumping is even more frustrating than the interrupted sleep at night or having to feed Victor every 3 hours. Such a huge dependency.
I decided on pumping to give breast milk instead of formula. But I didn't realize that it would be so frustrating. It hurts my nipples, my boobs become so puffy and engorged when they feel up and I have to pump every 3 hours otherwise I get these lumps in my breast where the milk clogs up and it can lead to an infection called mastitis. The lumps are painful. Needless to say my breast are in some constant pain over the day and night. On top of that I have more milk than what he eats that I don't know what to do with. I have been storing it in the freezer but how much space will I need? I know that breast milk is preferred to formula but this constant breast irritation is not helping me to handle myself. I've already had the thoughts of my milk to stop coming.
The pumping process is quite frustrating itself as well. I have to lean forward for 20 mins, while the pump sucks the milk out through my nipples as it pulls them in they hurt. Because of my leaning forward position my back starts to hurt. Then it's putting the milk away, rinsing the equipment. By the time I am done I have to feed Victor, who takes like 30 mins to eat his 3 oz bottle. Than dipper change (on top of that he somehow wets himself when he pees, so now it's a whole outfit change). Doing this repeatedly over the day while fitting my normal schedule in and SLEEP....can be pretty frustrating.
I noticed that breastfeeding makes me very thirsty, so I am constantly looking for things to drink and they have to be cold. My eating schedule is off as well. I have been getting stomachaches especially over night time since I wake up and I am hungry but don't have time to eat myself.
It has been 3 weeks now and I am overall frustrated especially with the pumping sessions.
What I find interesting is that some people that have very low breast milk supply would "kill" to have more. And I went online looking for ways to lower my milk supply, however most sites that pooped up were how to increase milk supply. At a good pump session I can pull out up to 8 oz, and he at the moment only drinks 3 oz.

I came across a website that sells different opening for the pump. Apparently there are different sizes. I wondered if the size I have is too small for my nipples since it keeps rubbing them on the sides and irritates the hell out of them. I ordered the kit. This is the website: http://www.pumpinpal.com/
I have not received it yet but will share my results once I try it out.

To add to this frustration, I have figured out that I just want my body back to myself. I spend nine months in pregnancy and being cautious with food, drinks, going out, moving myself around. Now after delivery my vagina is healing, which I have to wait for before engaging in sex again. It has been forever since I have been able to enjoy sexual intercourse because of the pregnancy, now the healing process. And the boobs filling with milk every 3 hours causing a huge body discomfort are not very pleasurable to touch which is somewhat of a turn off to sex because it's painful. So yea, having my body back to myself would be great.

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Baby taking over!

Yesterday night James and I went out to eat. We picked up two other people and headed towards the restaurant. It was late, around 10:30pm and I was thrown off my baby schedule. I was tired, hungry, sleepy.
My driving reactions were not functioning well. I almost ran a red light, cut off some people and was speeding. I was afraid to leave Victor for too long, in case he woke up and started crying. I didn't want Lana (James mom) to have to get up since we didn't really make arrangement for her to watch him. I decided we can use the time while he was sleeping to go out.
So I was driving and gave into the guilt and fear of Victor waking up. I was speeding, and basically driving like a "jerk". In the process endangering the people in the car and myself.
We got off to the place and James said that if I was to be driving like an idiot, he will not let Victor in the car with me driving.
I immediately experienced feeling bad and overwhelmed. I wanted to start crying but I held it in. I knew he was right in saying that. I apologiesed and said I was tired and sleepy. He said that I should have told him that and let him drive.
While at the restaurant all I kept thinking was about Victor and him waking up, us not being there, if he is hungry or not....this child is already "controlling" me..LoL I kept looking at the clock. I kept looking for our waitress to hurry up. I just couldn't relax and enjoy myself or the food. That sucks.

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Victor's First Doctor's Visit

Yesterday I went to the doctor for Victor's first visit. They checked him and said everything looked fine. Then they said they will give him the first series of the Hepatitis B shots. Now, I am not a very big fan of immunizations, especially with all the shots drama going on around that it can damage children and so on.
I had denied the shot at the hospital (they wanted to give it to a day old baby).
But apparently I had to say yes to this one. I began to cry as the nurse stuck the needle in Victor's tiny leg and he screamed out and began to cry. My thoughts were "what the fuck are they putting in him?, "why so early"? It was like I was helpless and couldn't do anything about it while this person so injecting my baby.
I came out of the office and was really upset. What shots are fine to give, what shots are not? How do I make these decisions when I myself don't know anything about immunizations and what stuff they have in there.
How do I make the correct decision. Obviously I have also had these immunizations. I remember running away from the nurse, and they had to chase me down in first grade. And in third grade I decided I will be brave and took a shot in my shoulder. I remember I was so proud of myself that I didn't cry or was scared of the shot.

I was told there may be mild side effects like fever and so on, so I had to stop by the pharmacy and get medicine for fevers in infants.
So how do immunizations work? We get infected with the virus in a small degree that gives our body enough time to create the white blood cells to fight the and kill the virus off. So when we are actually exposed to the virus in our lives our body knows it and it can fight it better. I understand this part. I see the sense in this, especially with dangerous viruses that can fail the body if the body is not immune to it already. But are really ALL shots needed. For simple viruses, we can get sick and our body will build its defense system that way. The other thing to look at is the age. If an infant gets a virus that we as adults can easily overcome, they may not be able to because they are so little.
Children do tent to get sick A LOT....but it is part of the process of building their immune system.

I don't know where I stand on this topic. I do know that I am not too thrilled to look at Victor getting poked with viruses....
I need more info on the topic.
Here are some website I visit:
http://www.cdc.gov/vaccines/spec-grps/hcp/downloads/vacsafe-understand-color-office.pdf
Of course this info comes from the Center of Disease Control.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/226275-what-are-the-dangers-of-infant-vaccinations/
http://www.thinktwice.com/hepb.htm
Controversial Article about shots.

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Dealing with Transition

I have noticed that I don't do very well with transition times.
What I have been experiencing during my pregnancy as well as the fact that I have to move and arrange all baby things combined with school and work and so on has been one BIG transition period that I have allowed to be bothered by and have allowed to experience as instability.
Perhaps I view transition periods as unstable, as a time frame where I have to have everything done and set fast, or I begin to feel unstable within my world leading to stress that I cause upon myself.
Perhaps it is also the TIME itself that I don't see as being enough for me to be able to move within the transition period to take care of things.
The result is I would get annoyed at work, I would get frustrated with school work, I would get impatient with the moving process, I would get irritated and uneasy with my pregnancy. I would get stuck on a place where I feel caged up and the only thing to look forward is the end of the transition period where everything would be settled down and I can relax. The problem here however is that I am not living HERE for the obvious self created reasons. That is a huge self blockage within my process with no advancement towards re-birthing self in the physical.
So let's look at my issue of transition periods:
-I see instability
-I see not enough time
-Transitions are instability
-Transition is change towards something I may like or may dislike
-I feel that I have no control over transition periods when it comes to self movement

What I need to realize is that:
-Transitions are a process of moving from one point to another
-Life itself is a "transition" that constantly moves
-Transition is change from one place to another and it is required in order to move as self in the small scale and on the big scale
-Transition is a form of preparation from the place I am "leaving" to the place I am "arriving". Just like seasons, temperatures change
-Without transition things become stale because there is no movement
-Without transition the things that change would appear very rigid, fast, unprepared, without a "warning"
-Transition is a cushion
-I can enjoy transition periods as they are part of my process of self movement, and breath in each moment

So SF is being done in this moment to address my fear of transition periods.

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Rude Experience at my Observations

This semester I am taking Infant/Toddler and Kindergarten Curriculum. Part of the grade is to observe 10 hours in Infant/Toddler and 15 hours at Kindergarten. I have been observing each semester for one class I take and I have never come up against a rude person like this center director before.

I will not go into details to what the circumstances are regarding her behavior but this director simply speaks with attitude towards the students that come to observe in her daycare center. It turns out I was not the only one who had issues with her, but I am partly responsible for her sending an email to our teacher and the dean of the university claiming that we, the students have been unprofessional in her center. 

We were cut off from observing for a week until we discussed the issues with our teacher today. Apparently the center director sent out the email and in result got our teacher in trouble. After discussing the issues that arose from the perspective of the center director (that made us unprofessional in her eyes) it was concluded that there was a huge mis-communication and certain expectations that the director thought we should follow but never mentioned to us on the first place. Apart from the mis-communication, however I still would say she was simply rude and there was no need for her to behave the way she did. So as far as being unprofessional I would say she needs to look at herself and how the whole situation reflected herself. 

However this post is about my reflection and not hers. I was upset at her rudeness towards me and did end up giving her attitude back (which is probably what caused the follow up email to our teacher and dean). 

My intention was to speak up for myself but I guess it turned out to be out of reaction to her rudeness so the consequences were getting everyone in trouble. We were advised from our teacher (who saw our side and certainly knew this director's personality) to simply follow the requested directions and avoid confrontations that would end up hurting our "school record" reputation that we are evaluated on every semester. 

Part of the lesson learned here is that when there is broken communication and assumptions the results cannot be good. The other part of the lesson was to see if it is worth speaking out in that particular moment when the position I hold is put in jeopardy because someone with more "power" can ruin my semester and grade simply because I acted out in defense. Perhaps a smarter decision would be to speak out when my school record does not depend on what this woman says about me. A third lesson is that speaking out of a reaction will cause the other person (who does not know any better) to react as well. So my approach in standing up for myself should have been without reacting to her.

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Pocky Sticks

Yesterday James and I went out to eat at this Chinese/Japanese place (Red Lantern). It seems to be "family owned restaurant". We ordered the dinner for two, which is a sweet deal as we get soup, appetizer, dinner and desert. I ordered a desert called "Pocky Ice Cream". For those who don't know "Pocky" is a Japanese snack that comes in different flavors.

When I received my desert I began laughing because their "Pocky Ice Cream" was not what I expected. I ordered the vanilla flavor and I received two plain vanilla scoops with ONE tiny pocky stick wannabe. I can't recall the last time I had a good laugh. I couldn't believe that they would call this "pocky ice cream".
The point of this occurrence was that I really need to laugh more often and be alive!
Another point to mention was the conversation I had with James which was a point of self reflection. He told me that when he had met me I was refusing to shop at Walmart and was big on organic "Whole Foods" purchases. I remembered what he was talking about. I remember having this wave of trying to Boycott Walmart and saw non-organic food as less than organic food. I told James about this point and then I pointed out that I am still against Walmart's dirty business however as of the current system boycotting one place changes nothing, and it certainly does not change the fact of "money" and how everything in Capitalism is set up to reflect people's economic stability thus shopping at Walmart is almost forced upon people who need to spend less money in order to survive within the current money system. So refusing or pulling back from certain stores isn't the effective way when it comes to the bigger picture. I told James that in order for a change to take place we must change the whole system itself, not try to change bits of the system that in the long run have no impact. We must move as a whole!

Perhaps then I would be getting a cheap pocky ice-cream that is expensive to purchase... :)


That is why supporting the emergence of the Equal Money System is the only support I can truly give. And being part of Desteni is the best decision I have made in order to support self and the bigger picture as that self. There is no turning back, only moving forward!

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