Selecting a Childcare Center for Victor

Today I went and shopped around for a childcare center. I will be student teaching in the fall (for which I receive no income, so it's like free labor), and I will need to send Victor to a childcare center. He will be about 5 months by then.
The interesting thing is seeing the other side, meaning being the parent and not the teacher. Selecting a center that will fit the needs and price is important. While working at a childcare center as a teacher I had no idea what and how much it is for parents to sent their children. What I am realizing (now that I am at the other end) is that I want a quality place that is at a fair price. What is a fair price? Well generally speaking it is a price that is affordable. At this time (current money system) I don't think any price for a childcare center is affordable for majority of parents out there.The full time price per month is basically either a 2 week or 1 month pay check that a 1 parent can receive. I would be paying more to send my child to a center than the amount I made working at the center. That is CRAZY!
There is of course the government pay help, but for that one needs to qualify with a significant low income.
Next it is the quality of the center. I went to visit one today that looked like a "bomb" fell in there. Really cheap organization and when I went to the infant room....lol it looked depressing. The centers were not divided, the cribs were old school, they were also different types and the one thing that I did not like about the center was that the infant room was from 6 weeks to 24 months. There is a HUGE development that goes on during this age period. I mean you have a baby that can hardly move and a toddler that is all over the place. Honestly I "feel" bad for the teachers. Having been one that worked with infants and toddlers, they would have to have their eyes open all the time. It is not safe to have toddlers running around infants. Where I worked we would not even place an infant on the floor to explore when having a 14 month and up running around and falling over and tossing toys around (at 14 they moved up to toddlers where there was more space for mobility and different focus as well as skills and activities to work on their development).
Anyhow, obviously this place did not have the extra room to offer separate space for different developing skills in children. So even though it was the cheapest place I found, it was also the worse of quality I have seen. It is not a place I would sent Victor to. And I don't blame the place of course, it is the system we allow and accept because this place is obviously due to remodeling and revamping and who knows what their budget is. It is always about money....that is why The Equal Money System IS the BEST proposal EVER to be made in the history of mankind.
I will have to visit a few other places and make my decision.

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"Three Idiots"

Yesterday I watched a Bollywood movie called "Three Idiots". It is an Indian movie about 3 students that meet up in Engineering University. The University portrays and promotes a competition based life and that life is a race and those who come first succeed. All the professors follow this philosophy about life. They are really hard on the students and there is no room for expression. One needs to study, study, study to get the good grade and a degree that says they have completed. It offers no practical use to the information being presented. Students were pressured and suffocated with a few committing suicide because they would offend their family and their life would go to shit if they don't do good.
One of the 3 guys comes in with the attitude that learning is about passion, self dedication and that everyone has the opportunity for succeeding if they help each other to learn and be friends. He shows what he learns in practical application and is very good at remaining stable when his professors down talk him. He is the only one standing up within the whole University and challenges every professor (for which no professor likes him in their class). The guy sticks to his philosophy and helps his two friends learn and get through their 4 years of the University. He helps them to express who they are in spite of what everyone else thought of them.
The movie is a comedy but has a lot of essence to it about equality, self, passion.
At the end of the movie the guy opens his own school as well as works on science research stuff. The moral of the movie was- one that realizes that everyone can work together and help each other will be the successful one. And one that is selfish (there was another guy that was the teacher's pet), may succeed and get money but they would have never leaned how to enjoy themselves in the process and they will be money, greedy oriented people that will cause harm at any cost.

The one main thing I found assisting to myself was how calm the guys was when he was being "challenged" by people who thought he was crazy and a trouble maker for challenging the system. I have been working on myself for some time when people challenge Desteni using their pre-programmed minds to find any flaw within the message because it contradicts with everything they have been taught within the current system. It an be very difficult for someone to see or very easy, it depends how much they are willing to hold on to when it comes to their programming and how much they are willing to accept responsibility for which would mean they are ready to finally work on themselves.

When the movie was over, I was able to realize this point within myself- I have always in some ways reacted to others when being "challenged" by them about Desteni. However the answer is simple. One cannot share a point when one is not willing to hear because it becomes an argument. Desteni is not about arguments, it is about self realization and opening one's eyes. So there is no point to really argue here. There is no point to reacting to a reaction that someone else presents to you. If I accept their reaction, then I have reacted to them myself. A reaction is any movement one experiences inside themselves (positive or negative).
It took me sometime, but after realizing this single point, all reactions that I ever had simply dropped out. This is evidence that they were never real on the first place. I was only feeding my mind. And of course that is valid for any reactions about anything one may experience.
I have been avoiding talking and mentioning Desteni related topics to people because I knew I would react to their reactions. By reacting one does not accomplish anything. And that is what happened to me, by allowing reactions I was not getting anywhere within my process or self work. As a matter of fact the opposite occurred. It was more of a retraction than going forward. It became a fear based point which caused self doubt which showed no self progress that can apply to others as assistance or show to others that "Well, yea she is getting somewhere using these tools, they seem to work, I will try them as well."
Realizing this point is like a huge weight has been lifted off of me that accumulated within my "hiding" process.
Here is a trailer view: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEDbHOxOg4M
I recommend watching the movie. Be aware though, Indian movies are LONG.
Enjoy.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Cow Milk or Not

So the formula I chose for Victor is Similac (orange for gassy and lactose irritability). At first I had a problem with it because of the "lactose irritability" label. This formula does not have cow mil in it but some sort of substitute which is not soy. I figured that if Victor was not introduced to cow milk based formula he may not be able to drink cow milk later. So I switched it to the green one (organic). However, Victor was constipated from it. Then I investigated why would I worry if Victor would be able to drink cow milk or not on the first place. The result was that most people drink cow milk and products in our society are cow milk based. I thought that if he would not do good with cow milk, he won't be able to eat most things that have

dairy in them. Also, the type of food I eat has dairy in it. If his body would not support cow milk I would

have to buy different food for him. 

Another reason I was able to pin point within me was the fact that I see many children allergic to food, and not being able to eat dairy products. I have this idea that Victor cannot be allergic to anything. I mean I am not allergic and James isn't and I just don't get how can so many children have an allergy now a days. It was a fear based starting point that if I would not introduce cow milk based formula, Victor would result in being allergic. I see this point of being "special" because I am not allergic to anything that I know of this moment. 

So this is more about me (of course, as everything is taken back to self). It is about me fearing an allergy and more so seeing people who are allergic as they did something wrong to become allergic to something. In a way it's like seeing people who are allergic as less than me because they "fucked" up somewhere to become allergic. 

This of course is invalid fear and superiority I have built in my mind to separate myself from others and say "Well I am not like this".

On a bigger picture we need to realize that allergies and many other things are the result of our collective fucked upness within what we accept and allow to exists within the system and that in that separation we are all equally responsible for the existence we are in right now.

So I went back to the orange formula with which his physical body was OK with. And if he ends up being allergic to cow milk in any way, I will look for a product that is suitable for his psychical body.

Until we stand up and begin change within ourselves that will reflect the common we will live in separation, blame, feeling inferior or superior. We will bear the consequences we create for ourselves because we couldn't accept equality and that which is best for all. 

So the first step to changing is ourselves and the implementation of an Equal Money System that will end abuse globally and will support the individual as well as the public. Oness and Equality!

Investigate:

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

There is a solution, all it takes is to participate in it!

Content Area Test- did not pass

In order for me to student teach in the fall I need to pass the content area test for early childhood education. I got my results yesterday and they said that I did not pass it. I was a bit upset because I was counting on passing the test. Now I have one more chance to take it before the fall when I am supposed to student teach. I already have my placements, all I have to do is submit a passing score result to my school.

When I got upset, I kind of wanted to blame the content of the test. It is 125 questions that are all different scenarios within a classroom. It is multiple choice and I have to pick the best answer when all the answers seem correct. The test is 5 hours however I finished it in 3 hours. I was not trying to rush through it, and I reread every question multiple times; my head was starting to hurt. I sort of prepared myself for the test. I took a practice one I purchased, however it must have been an older version because the actual test had nothing to do with the practice test.
After I stabilized myself from being upset at myself, I looked at the website's practice test. They only have 20 questions and I think some of them were on the actual test.
Anyhow I have about 3 weeks to prepare until the next test. I figured what I need to to to pick the correct answer is look at the actual context of the question at a deeper level than just reading it. They are written in such a way to confuse the reader. There have to be some key words within the question that point out to the best correct answer. And that is what my practice will be for the next 3 weeks.
I am determined to pass it because I want to do my student teaching in the fall. All the paper process is taken care of...it is just this last step on my part-PASS the test. There is no more room for failing it.

http://www.icts.nesinc.com/PDFs/IL_FacGuide_AppendixC_fld107.pdf
The following is link to the test guide on the Illinois web site.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

My experience with Psychics

When I was around 17 or 18 years old I had a friend that introduced me to "psychics". At the time I was in a place of my life where I was depressed, I wanted answers that had to do with my love life and particularly about one boy.
I was already into Wicca and magick related stuff. I had a bunch of candles and inscents, books about spells and so on. I was also into the show "Charmed" which initially sparked my interest with witchcraft. I was going through a "heart break" and wanted to fix things up...lol whatever that meant.
Anyway. My friend told me about this psychic she goes to. I was exited about the idea and asked her to bring me there.
The place was a little shop with all kinds of "magic" books and spells and chakras (http://eqafe.com/p/chakras-the-soul-and-astral-projection) posters. It sold crystals, candles, "ingredients" for spells. When I came in for the first time I felt this sense of this is so cool and I'm glad I can come here and experience this "divinity" and higher connection (at the time I believed that there is a higher spiritual power that watched over us, NOT a GOD though, and if I connected to it I can be special and be able to have "powers" of some sort.
I sat down on the table with the psychic. The charge was 1 dollar per minute. I told her I had 10 dollars, she put n the clock and we began. She shuffled the cards, asked me to touch them, and began pulling them out and explaining stuff to me. She told me (as far as I can remember) I was feeling depressed, I had someone special in my life who cared for me but was afraid to tell me, or was in a position that he couldn't. She told I will be eventually back with him and so on.
I listened and was intrigued. She was telling me stuff I wanted to hear and at the same time I was afraid of stuff she would tell me that I did not want to hear. (I didn't end up with this boy and it was a struggle and hope that kept me going and kept me imprisoned to this love feeling I wanted for many years).
I kept going back to this place for some time hearing the things I wanted to to keep me hoping. I also went to other places.
One I in particular remember (the last time I went to a psychic because I was coming out of my magick period of time) was a place I had been passing by for months. Finally I decided I will go in. I don't remember how much I paid her but I came out of there very UNsatisfied with our session. She basically told me absolutely nothing, and said that I had very bad energy around me, surrounding me, as if someone had cursed me and I was having bad luck. She offered to remove this energy but I had to purchase 3 special candles that would cost me 1000 dollars. Bring the candles to her so she can perform this "ritual" and remove the bad energy. LOL I left this place and never went to another psychic again. By that time I was 24 or 25.
So what is the moral of my story I got for myself. I went to a psychic because I wanted to hear specific answers to my struggling life questions. I did get to hear what I wanted most of the time and when I didn't I ignored it and still kept hoping something will alter so that I got what I needed/wanted.
Then I came across Desteni that explained the whole deal of psychics, what they used to be, how they used to channel and what is left of the right now.
I was amazed to hear that they were people who were able to get into my mind ("life") programming that was designed by what we all thought to be "God" (http://eqafe.com/p/reptilians-the-emergence-of-anu-part-1), and when the portal opened (http://eqafe.com/p/the-story-of-sunette) in 2004 all of that channeling was shut down.
You can do your own research on that matter by visiting http://desteni.org/  as the information is vast.

Once starting to walk my process with the tools (self forgiveness and writing, self investigation) I no longer needed or even desired to go to a psychic and the idea of a psychic was dismantled within me for I had built it as a self protection to hear what I wanted to hear to be sure that what I wanted to hear was somehow validated and I would feel better even if it was just for a few months.
Soon I realized that placing my life int he hands of an external force was silly when I and everyone is able to direct themselves within what is best for all (http://antoaneta36.blogspot.com/2011/10/what-is-best-for-all-is-what-is-best.html). I am my own validator, no one knows me best than myself thus I know my self dis- honesties that I hope upon and I solely I  keep them alive.
Through the assistance of fellow Desteni participants and hearing the stories they share and have shared just like I am sharing this one here, I was able to step on my feet and stop keeping my dis-honesties alive. It was as simple as pointing it out and me seeing. I know how to investigate my starting point within my decisions and I am able to see from a different perspective, one that involves creating a world that is honest.
I don't need a psychic and I certainly can handle myself within depression points that arise. If I knew what I know now, suffering and struggling that time of my life when I was 17-18 to 26 and even earlier ages, would have never been an issue because I would have know what that was, why it occurred to me and how to handle it on my own without the emotions I was experiencing that were digging a whole in my chest.

Thank you "Desteni" for showing me a way to direct myself with self honesty. And if everyone were able to hear the Desteni Message (http://antoaneta36.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-i-was-able-to-hear-desteni-message.html) then we will be one HUGE step forward to creating "heaven" on Earth where we honor all beings.

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Tanning and Equal Money System

When I was younger (20-25yr) I was obsessed with tanning in the sun. I had built up this image of myself and girls in general that darker is more sexy than white, pale skin. This was also link to a period in my life where I saw white people as not pretty enough and that dark skinned people looked better. I was into finding guys to date that were in the brown skin shade (or rather I found them more attractive which went with my idea that darker appeared better). And I dreamed of having a child that was of a mix race. The appearance was to be "light eyes and fairly dark skin".
I remember going to Bulgaria the summer of 2003 (I was almost 21yr). I was there for a month visiting family and friends. With some friends we went to the Black Sea for 2 weeks. I spend a huge amount of time under the sun with one purpose-getting darker. What was interesting was the fact that I saw "natural" tanning as better than "fake" tanning. I had associated fake tanning with "fakeness". Of course at the time I justified it and I didn't see that my tanning in essence was fake as well (in a different sense). I was trying to be something I am not and I was willing to damage my skin for it. Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong about having some sun, however my starting point was not self honest (wanting to appear different than what I was and having the idea of dark being better) and I did more than a "normal" tanning. I went to the point to where I would not put on sunscreen because I thought it would make me tan faster and become darker faster. I also judged people who went to fake tanning salons as I associated them with "Barbie fake" and airheads.
About a year before I came across Desteni I had already began walking the realization that I should not try to look as something I am not. However as I began process with Desteni I had realized how fake I was towards myself and how I displayed this fakeness into my world, which affected my relationships with people and how I saw myself with others. Also the realization that tanning to such an extent was the same as putting make up, and hiding behind a fake mask (which was also something that I judged in others as I never wore make up).

I just came across this article/video
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/tanning-booth-mom-says-arrest-taking-daughter-5-153138630.html
I couldn't help but notice how dark this woman was from going to the tanning salon. The article itself is about her being blamed that she took her 6 year old to tan and she got a burn. The mother was arrested but she denied this happening. She goes on to say that her daughter plays in the salon area while waiting for her mom. Her words were "she plays princess, Barbie and stuff". Then she goes on to say that her daughter can make the decision if she wants to tan when she gets older.
I would say that her decision is already made. Unless her mom gets cancer and it has a strong impact on the daughter, her daughter is way on her route to FAKENESS LANE.

It is things like tanning to appear as something you are not that will not be tolerated in an Equal Money System as it is self abusive in nature. It is only common sense that once a person begins working on themselves, realizing and erasing all the fakeness they have accepted and allowed to exists as themselves with their world and on the larger scale, that they will be able to see that such things as a tanning salon becomes irrelevant and it will not be used, thus there is no reason for it's existence.
There is a lot of "fakeness" and abuse in the Capitalistic system that when broken down one must ask themselves the question "What the fuck are we doing to ourselves and others in the name of stupidity or greed?"

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)

Accepting Motherhood

It's been a 5 weeks since Victor was born. Since working in a daycare center with infants and toddlers I had the experience and attitude of a person who is a secondary caregiver. When I first held Victor even though he had just came out of me I had the same "feeling", as in I associated me holding him just like a second caregiver.

Let me define second caregiver: Someone who is taking care of a child when the parents (first caregivers) cannot be present. Someone who is temporarily available to be here when the parents cannot be. Someone who sees the child in a segment of a day and in all actuality does not have the full responsibility of taking care of this child. Someone who is not responsible for providing food, clothing, diapers, and shelter.
As a teacher I am providing education and a safe environment and the opportunity to expand where parents cannot. But as a mother I provide much, much more, from financial support to education support and developmental support so that the child has the opportunity to grow up in an open and self exploratory environment.

As the weeks passed I continued to have the attitude of a second caregiver. I was not accepting "motherhood".
I have heard of people say that the moment they hold their baby they experience a special bond with their newborn. Whether that is real or an experience in the mind, I did not experience this initial "bonding".

Accepting that I am a mother means that I have this whole other responsibility other than myself. A being who is dependent on me completely for the moment as he grows to be independent and self sufficient in many ways through the years. A being whom I have to teach to be self responsible within the physical in a world that is full of irresponsibility. A being whom I have to teach self responsibility when I myself have not accepted responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to become within this world of irresponsibility.

Accepting motherhood means that I need to accept a responsibility that I am refusing and rejecting to accept.
I can also see that I am separating myself from Victor. Children are a copy of ourselves and thus will carry certain programming that we as parents have. This programming will become more prevalent as the child grows up and it will appear to show us as parents what we need to work on, what we need to self forgive so that we can emerge as beings who are self directive and responsible in order to create a responsible world. So even though he is a separate being from me, in many ways he a mix of myself and his father. Accepting the responsibility for Victor would mean that I have to accept the responsibility for myself. And I was not ready to do that yet. I am aware that it takes time and I am certain I will not fail myself.
I notice that the word "responsibility" comes up within this blog and my sentences a lot.
"Responsibility" has been a big point that I am walking through. It seems to be embedded within me through my personality design, that of a passive personality and personality that relays on others majority of the time, which means that I am clearly not self directive 100% .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rejecting becoming a mother because I am rejecting to accept the full responsibility for another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject reject the full responsibility for another being because I am rejecting to accept full responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reject full responsibility for myself because I am not self motivated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not being self motivated because in majority of the time  I relay on others to take care of me and accept the responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to relay on others because this is something I have done all my life as a personality programming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not work on this personality programming because that would take time and effort and self motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self motivated because I expect others to push me to be self motivated. I expect that others

Today I am accepting motherhood in the sense of accepting responsibility for another being as myself.
I am accepting to take care of another being as I take care of myself.  I am accepting to push through my programming as I would assist and support to push through Victor's programming (which in fact is mine).

http://wiki.destonians.com/Main_Page (who we are, what we do)

http://desteni.org/ (investigate topics of interests and self)

http://equalmoney.org/ (place your vote for Equal Money System)

http://eqafe.com/ (purchase products and support Equal Money System)